害怕分手是否让你陷于错误的恋情中,无法抽身

Recently, I was at a party, and in between handfuls of tortilla chips, I found myself in a conversation about the tendency to stay in a relationship too long - even when you know that the person you're dating isn't right for you.

近日，我参加了一个派对，抓了几把墨西哥玉米片后，我发现自己竟然和别人聊起了谈一段长久恋情的趋势--甚至和你约会的这个人并不适合你，情况也是如此。

Most people know this phenomenon intimately. Breaking up with people isn't fun - even if the relationship is well past its expiration date. 'Think of happiness on a scale of one to 10,' a friend once told me. 'Your relationship might only be a five, but breaking up might temporarily bring you down to a three. It doesn't matter that you'll eventually be happier than you were in the relationship. A lot of people can't pull the Band-Aid off and face that temporary decline.'

很多人都清楚这一情况。分手并不有趣--即使你们俩已没有了激情。'想想你的幸福度，1到10分你打几分，'一个朋友曾对我说。'你的恋情可能只有5分，但分手可能会让你的幸福指数暂时下降至3分。无论如何，分手都会比谈恋爱更让你开心。很多人都无法做出牺牲，面对短暂的失落。'

Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, a Chicago-based psychologist and author of 'A Happy You', has a name for this: fear of breaking up (FOBU). 'The biggest component of it is 'I'm never going to find someone else,'' says Lombardo. 'It's fortune-telling and catastrophising. It's the 'I'm going to die alone and my cats are going to eat me' thinking. And so we think it's safer to stay in the relationship than to chance not having a chance at a relationship again. It's the idea that something is better than nothing.'

芝加哥的心理学家、《快乐的你》（A Happy You）一书的作者伊丽莎白·隆巴多博士为此想了个名字：害怕分手（FOBU）。最大的一个想法就是'我再也找不到其他人和我谈恋爱了，'隆巴多说道。'这非常迷信、也是灾难性的。会有这种想法：'我将一个人孤独终老，我的猫会把我吃了'。所以我们会觉得继续这段恋情比可能再也没人喜欢自己更安全。也就是聊胜于无的想法。'

Several years ago, 'Jessica,' a visual artist (who asked that her real name not be used), was involved with a guy she describes as 'perfect.' He was older, smart, charming, successful and extremely nice. 'But after three years, the only thing we had in common was each other,' she says. 'We were worlds apart, and there was a particular, more meaningful connection that was lacking.'

几年前，视觉艺术家杰西卡（她要求不使用真名）和她觉得'完美'的男生恋爱了。男生年纪更大一些、聪慧、有魅力、成功，而且人超级好。但三年后，我们的共同点却只剩下彼此，她说道。我们身处两个不同的世界，我们之间缺少了特殊的、更有意义的联系。

Jessica was terrified to break up with him for a variety of reasons. 'Here I was with the guy,' she says. 'The guy everyone says they want to find and settle down with.' She had doubts about her vague feeling that the relationship was just a wrong fit: 'If I couldn't be happy in a relationship with him - the perfect, most agreeable guy ever - who could I ever be happy in a relationship with? Was I crazy?'

由于种种原因，杰西卡害怕与男友分手。她说，我在和他谈恋爱，大家都希望有这样的男朋友，希望和他组成家庭。她对自己那种模糊的感觉（他俩不合适）产生了怀疑：'如果和他在一起我都不能开心--他是如此的完美、令人愉悦--那和谁在一起我才能开心呢？我是不是疯了？'