一位夫妻治疗师表示:这两种行为是一段恋情的‘长处’

Fights with a partner tend to escalate in a way that fights with, say, a coworker don't necessarily.

与另一半争吵往往会升级成像与不重要的同事争吵。

"I'm exhausted," one person might say. "I worked all day." "You're exhausted?" the other person might respond. "I worked all day and then went to pick up two screaming kids!" And so on.

"我累了，"一个人可能说。"我工作一整天了。""你还累啊？"另一个人可能这样问道。"我不仅工作一整天，下班后还去接那两个吵吵闹闹的孩子！"等等。

Esther Perel has spent years watching this kind of dialogue unfold. She's a couples therapist and the author of the bestselling "Mating in Captivity" and the forthcoming "The State of Affairs."

多年来，埃斯特·佩雷尔听惯了这类对话。她是位夫妻治疗师，畅销书Mating in Captivity的作者，即将出版The State of Affairs一书。

Perel has found two behaviours that can stop a conflict like this one from spiraling out of control -- behaviours that are so powerful she calls them the "saving grace" of any rocky relationship: showing empathy and taking responsibility.

佩雷尔发现有两种行为可以防止此类冲突失控--这些行为十分强大，她将其称为任何一段曲折恋情的"长处"：感同身受和承担责任。

When she visited the Business Insider office in September, Perel said, "There are not many things that are as important in a strained relationship as the ability to show empathy for the experience of the other; to acknowledge what the other person is going through; to validate that the other person is going through this, that it makes sense that they would be feeling this way."

当她9月去Business Insider杂志办公室时，佩雷尔说道，"在一段关系紧张的恋情中，很少有和下面这些行为一样重要的事情了：感同身受另一人的经历、认可他们目前的遭遇、告诉他/她其他人也和她/他一样，告诉他们有这样的感受是正常的。"

Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often enough. Here's an example. Perel recently came out with an audio series, titled "Where Should We Begin?" in which listeners follow along as Perel counsels a struggling couple. In the first episode, a husband and wife are dealing with the discovery of the husband's infidelity.

不幸的是，这种情况并不多见。下面就是个例子。最近，佩雷尔提出了一个名为"我们应从何处开始？"的音频系列，在这一系列中，观众听着佩雷尔给一对苦苦挣扎的夫妻做咨询。在第一集中，夫妻两人处理的问题是丈夫不忠。

At one point, the wife says that after her husband betrayed her, she asked herself, "What was all that hard work for?" The husband responds quickly: "I mean, I understand how you feel because I felt the same way."

有一次，妻子说道，在丈夫背叛她之后，她问自己，"所有的辛苦都是为了什么？"丈夫很快回道："我理解你，因为我和你的感受一样。"

Perel interjects here and tells the husband to avoid the impulse to "equalise" his experience and his wife's. Instead, she advises him to "reflect back" using the words, "So what I'm hearing you say is…"

佩雷尔插了句话，告诉丈夫应该避免将他的经历与妻子的经历视作"平等"的冲动。她建议他在用词时"回忆过去"，"我听到你说的是……"

Recent research supports the idea that empathy and understanding are key to navigating conflict successfully in a relationship. In one study, people who talked about a time when they'd clashed with their partner but felt understood were more satisfied with their relationships than people who talked about a time when they clashed but didn't feel understood.

最新研究支持了感同身受和理解是成功化解恋情冲突的关键。在一项研究中，受试者谈论到，相比与另一半发生冲突却不被理解时，当他们与另一半发生冲突却被理解时，他们会更满意自己的恋情。