帮助离婚者疗伤 Ready to shake up the break up blues
Divorce lawyers have a reputation for burning through warring couples’ finances. The last thing they need is to spend even more money on splitting up, surely? Yet that is the desire of divorce coaches, a new industry dedicated to helping husbands or wives navigate their way out of marriage.
对于“交战”的夫妇来说，离婚律师以烧钱著称。他们最不需要的就是在分手这件事上花更多的钱，是吧？这就是离婚指导师(divorce coach)想做的，这是一个致力于帮助丈夫或妻子走出婚姻的新行业。
Karen McMahon, a divorce coach in New York, says: “Coaching is in its and divorce coaching is embryon .” Practitioners come from a range of backgrounds, including financial planners, therapists and mediators. Crudely, coaching — traditionally associated with executives — focuses on future goals and potential, whereas therapy might explore past emotional issues in order to gain insight.
纽约离婚指导师卡伦麦克马洪(Karen McMahon)表示：“指导行业正处于发展初期，而离婚指导行业则还处于萌芽期。”从业者拥有各种各样的背景，包括理财规划师、治疗师和调解员。粗略地说，指导——传统上主要是为高管服务——着眼于未来的目标和可能性，而治疗则是通过探究过去的情感问题来获得深入了解。
Karen Bigman, also based in New York and known as the “divorcierge”, charges about $95 per hour. She describes the work: “We help educate [clients] about their options. We can act as a sounding board, help put together a plan, coach through difficult periods as well as guide clients through meetings with divorce professionals such as attorneys and financial advisers.”
同在纽约的卡伦比格曼(Karen Bigman)被称为“divorcierge”，收费约为每小时95美元。她这样描述这份工作：“我们帮助（客户）了解他们面临的选择。我们可以提供意见，帮忙制定计划，指导他们度过艰难的时期、与律师和财务顾问等离婚方面的专业人士会面。”
SAS for Women, a divorce coaching business for wives, is run by Kimberly Mishkin and Liza Caldwell. They charge up to $300 an hour and typically see clients in their New York office once a week, though it can be more frequent if required. The two divorcees met in Haiti in 2011 when they were both experiencing a kind of second adolescence and enjoying their post-coupledom freedom. Many of their clients are paralysed by the immensity of the task ahead, coming as it does at an emotional time. Ms Mishkin describes the kind of decisions that assail people contemplating divorce. “They think: what now, where do I live, what do I tell the kids, how do I tell work I need time off for court.”
专门为女性提供离婚指导服务的SAS for Women由金伯莉猠什金(Kimberly Mishkin，上图左)和莉莎考德威尔(Liza Caldwell，上图右)经营。她们的收费最高为每小时300美元。她们通常在位于纽约的办公室里会见客户，频度为每周一次，不过如果客户要求，会面的次数可以增加。这两名离异女性2011年在海地相识，当时她们都在经历某种“第二青春期”，享受与配偶分手之后的自由。她们的许多客户都因离婚需要面临的繁杂事务而感到不知所措——在这种心情不好的时刻。米什金描述了困扰正在考虑离婚的人群的种种问题：“他们会想：现在该做什么？我要住在哪里？我该怎么告诉我的孩子们？需要请假去法院的时候，我如何告知我工作的地方？”
Phyllida Wilson, co-author of A Woman’s Guide to Divorce, notes that many people try unburdening themselves to their lawyers, which is both ex and unwise: “It’s very difficult for a solicitor to provide emotional ad . The majority of solicitors don’t have the time or the skills.” A divorce coach may help clients plan ahead for legal meetings to maximise efficiency.
《写给女人的离婚指南》(A Woman’s Guide to Divorce)的合著者菲莉达威尔逊(Phyllida Wilson)指出，许多人试图把自己的负担扔给他们的律师，这个选择不仅成本很高，还很不明智：“律师很难为你提供情感建议。大多数律师既没有这个时间，也不具备这种技能。”离婚指导师能帮助客户提前为他们与法律人士的会面拟定计划，以使效率最大化。
In the UK, Sara Davison, who ran a self-development and training business with her ex-husband, stumbled upon the idea of divorce coaching when the couple separated. “I had been coaching for 14 years yet the divorce hit me. I wondered how people without coaching skills got through it.”
在英国，萨拉戴维森(Sara Davison)曾经和前夫经营一家自我发展和培训公司。当她和前夫离婚的时候，无意中萌生了从事离婚指导的想法。“我从事指导行业14年了，然而离婚依然让我受到打击。我不知道没有指导技能的人是如何渡过这个难关的。”
The long, messy and costly process, involving expensive lawyers, struck Ms Davison hard. A couple of months of therapy had given her more clarity but no strategy so she decided to create a coaching program to get through her own divorce. In the past three years, she has offered it to others for up to 165 an hour. She also runs retreats and has created an app.
离婚的过程漫长、繁杂、代价高昂，其中还牵涉到费用不菲的律师，这给戴维森女士带来了沉重打击。几个月的心理治疗让她的思路清楚了一些，但并没有为她提供应对策略，因此她决定设立一个指导项目，让自己度过离婚的困境。过去3年，她为其他人提供这个项目，收费每小时165英镑。她还举行静修活动，并创建了一款应用。
Despite the number of marriages that break down, she believes divorce still has a stigma. The issues tackled include how to talk to a child about separation (heaps of reassurance, make them feel loved and make sure they know that it is not their fault; nor should you treat them as a go-between or a therapist); how to hand your child over to your ex; how to move on and forge a single life.
尽管破裂的婚姻很多，戴维森相信，离婚依然是一件让人有耻辱感的事情。她的项目解决的问题包括，如何和孩子谈论离婚（大量抚慰、让他们感觉自己是被爱着的、确保他们知道父母离婚不是他们的错；不应该把孩子当做中间人或者心理治疗师）？如何把你的孩子托付给前任？如何继续前进，经营一种单身生活？
One issue many clients seem to suffer from, she says, is remaining stuck in the past. “I create little stepping stones, for example, making them commit to going out, rather than hide under the duvet.”
她表示，一个令许多客户为之痛苦的问题是他们深陷于过去而不可自拔。“我建立了小小的垫脚石，比如，促使他们走出门，而不是躲在被子下面。”
There is also a loss of self-esteem, she notes. Those coming out of relationships can find it tricky to untangle their personality from that of their ex-partner. Ms Davison cites one woman who claimed her favourite television programme was Top Gear, despite hating cars and Jeremy Clarkson. It quickly became apparent that it was not the programme itself she liked but sharing time with her husband snuggled up on the sofa.
她指出，还有失去自尊的问题。那些结束一段情感关系的人可能会发现，自己的个性和前任难以分开。戴维森援引了一名女性的例子，她声称自己最喜欢的电视节目是《英国疯狂汽车秀》(Top Gear)，尽管她讨厌汽车和杰里米克拉克森（Jeremy Clarkson，译注：Top Gear节目主持人）。很快事实就变得明了，她喜欢的不是节目本身，而是与她丈夫一起依偎在沙发上度过的时光。
Many people express feelings of shame about divorce. Ms Mishkin says that part of the process is helping them overcome the belief they are an aberration.
很多人表达了离婚给他们带来的羞耻感。米什金表示，指导过程的一部分就是帮助他们克服自己是异类的想法。
Friends and family are not always a source of comfort. “They’re lovely, but often burnt out” by the divorcing person’s anxiety and anger, says Ms Mishkin. In her own case, she knew when her nearest and dearest had had enough. “Their eyes glazed over and you could tell they thought ‘Oh here she goes again.’”
朋友和家人并不总能提供慰藉。“他们很亲切”，但离婚人士的焦虑和愤怒“往往会让他们疲于应对”，米什金表示。在她的亲身经历中，她知道到最后她最亲近的人已经忍无可忍。“他们的目光呆滞，你能够判断出来，他们在想‘不是吧，她又来了。’”
Coaching is more interactive and practical than psychotherapy, argues Ms McMahon. The characteristic most of her clients share is their ability to “time travel”, she jokes. “Someone divorcing tends to be filled with regret about the past or fear the future.” Her mantra is to “keep your head where your feet are”.
麦克马洪表示，指导比心理治疗更具交互性和实践性。她开玩笑说，她的大多数客户的一个共性是他们进行“时间旅行”的能力。“离婚人士往往会充满对过去的悔恨和对未来的恐惧。”她的格言是“让你的头留在你的脚所在的地方”。
Ms Bigman says the most challenging type of client is one clinging to their version of events and not willing to change perspective. The other challenge she faces is persuading men to embrace coaching. “I find that if I meet a man in a social situation [who] is going through a difficult situation in their marriage, he will share with me and I will end up coaching him and he’s quite receptive. On the other hand, they never follow up. I’m not sure why but I suspect it has something to do with being vulnerable and asking for help.”
比格曼表示，最难以应对的一类客户是坚持自己对于事情的看法，不愿意改变自身观点的人。她面临的另一个挑战是说服男性接受指导。“我发现，如果我在社交场合遇到一个婚姻出现问题的男性，他会和我分享，最后我会对他进行指导，他也乐于接受。另一方面，他们从不采取进一步行动。我不确定原因，但我怀疑这和感情脆弱之类的因素有关。”
However, Ms Davison finds that men feel more comfortable being coached than seeing a psychotherapist.
然而，戴维森发现，比起去看心理治疗师，男性更能接受指导。
Many people feel concerned that they will not cope without a spouse, says Ms Caldwell. She cites one very wealthy client who is paralysed at the prospect of being alone and worries that she will not be able to look after herself. For the stay-at-home parent (typically women) who does not work, the world of lawyers and courts can be imposing, she says. For this reason she has a list of good driving instructors and handymen to provide clients with practical help.
考德威尔表示，许多人担心，没有配偶他们就无法应付事情。她举了一位非常富有的客户的例子，这名客户对孤身一人感到恐惧，她担心自己无法照顾自己。她说，对于全职照顾家庭的一方（通常是女性）而言，律师和法庭让他们倍感压力。出于这个原因，她有一张名单，上面列出了许多优秀的驾驶教练和各种修理工，这能为客户提供实际的帮助。
One of the biggest challenges of the job can be witnessing heartbreak. “There are moments when I cry after a session,” notes Ms McMahon. “But it is transitory.”
这份工作最大的挑战之一或许是见证令人心碎的事情。“有时在指导后我会哭泣，”麦克马洪表示，“但这只是暂时性的。”
“Seeing people upset is never easy but because I can help them I feel lucky”, says Ms Davison.
“看到人们难过并不是一件轻松的事情，但因为我能够帮助他们，我感到很幸运，”戴维森表示。
