时尚双语:夫妻之间吵架反而更有利于身体健康

There are toilet-paper tiffs, thermostat scuffles, ongoing debates over money, sex and the television remote. And then there are the laundry wars.

"My husband has this thing with laundry that drives me nuts," says Amelia Zatik-Sawyer, a 28-year-old mother of two in Cleveland.

"He's supposed to wash and I'm supposed to fold, but he does like 10 loads at a time and then dumps it all on the bed. With two little kids, I don't have time to fold 10 loads all at once, so I'll leave it. And then he'll come home and throw it into the closet so he can get into bed. And then it just spirals out of control from there."

For many couples, spats are a necessary evil, something to endure or avoid (for the sake of the kids!). But new research at the University of Michigan shows that hashing out marital disagreements is actually good for your health. It's squelching anger, especially when you feel you've been wronged, that's dangerous.

A study published in January followed 192 married couples in Michigan from 1971 to 1988 and found that those who kept their anger in when unfairly attacked did not live as long as those who expressed their anger, says lead study author Ernest Harburg, Ph.D., an emeritus research scientist at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health and psychology department.

"We're all interested in longevity," says Harburg, who's studied the health effects of spousal sparring for over 30 years. "We watch our diet, we exercise. Now we need to add 'express anger constructively' to that list."

Women in particular may put their health at risk by holding back during arguments with their spouse, a 10-year study of 4,000 men and women from Framingham, Massachusetts, found. "Women who 'self-silenced' during conflict with their spouse, compared with women who did not, had four times the risk of dying, " according to findings published in 2007 in the journal "Psychosomatic Medicine."

But high schools don't offer Squabbling 101. So what are the nuts and bolts of a healthy fight?

Express Yourself

Harburg says the first step is to let the person know you're mad -- the sooner, the better.

"You can either express your anger directly or you can say, 'That makes me angry, but I don't want to talk about it now; let's discuss it later'," he says. "But in order to solve the problem, you need to first express your emotions."

For some, even acknowledging a problem can be a problem.

Eunice Verstegen of Seattle, a program manager for a large county agency, says her upbringing in Wisconsin prevented her from voicing her true feelings with her first husband, who was her polar opposite politically, emotionally and even gastronomically.

"I was taught to be nice and to keep my feelings buried," she says. "And as a result, I was silently miserable. But with my second husband, if something bothers me, I don't let it simmer. I speak right up."

Don't pout, let it out

Others let their actions do the talking.

"When I'm mad about something, I'll do the heavy sighing thing or toss the silverware as I unload the dishwasher, which drives my husband nuts," says Jackie Papandrew, 44, a syndicated columnist from Largo, Florida. "To him, the silent treatment is the worst thing in the world. He'll pester me and pester me until I finally blow up or laugh."

Papandrew admits she's also gone the passive-aggressive route, like the time she hid the remote because she was angry her husband watched so much TV -- and forgot where she hid it.

"If pouting leads to talking about the issue, then you're ahead of the game," says Harburg. "But passive-aggressive behavior doesn't work. It doesn't solve the problem. The best thing is if you can establish some kind of ritual, like regularly sitting down at a table to talk about your issues."

Communication and compromise

Laundry warrior Zatik-Sawyer uses a digital version of the kitchen-table confessional.

"My blog has become my therapy," she says. "When I have issues, I'll write a blog post and my husband will read it at work. And then he'll come home and we'll talk about the problem and solve it. If we have issues, they never really last longer than a couple of hours."

Harburg says both partners have to be willing to listen and work toward a compromise; otherwise it's a no-go.

"If you get into a zone where someone's impeding the discussion, then you can't solve the problem," he says. "Fear, intimidation, dirty looks, belittling remarks -- that's over the line. But if you can listen to each other, and hear what the other person is feeling and thinking, then you can reach a compromise: 'OK, I won't do this if you won't do that.'"

One final tip: Keep your sense of humor.

"Years ago, my husband and I were having a big spat, really yelling at each other," says Verstegen. "I screamed at him, 'You're so selfish!' There was this long silence and then he said, 'Did you just call me a shellfish?' I started laughing and that was the end of the fight."

夫妻间有因为粗糙的手纸，园艺锄，还有金钱，性和电视遥控器而引起的争吵。随之还有发生在洗衣间里的吵斗。

“老公在衣物清洁方面的坏习惯让我非常恼火，”艾米利·亚扎提克·萨雅说道，她是一位居住在克利夫兰两个孩子的母亲。

“洗衣服本来应该是他的事，叠衣服是我的事，但是他总是一次洗十几件衣服，然后把洗干净的衣服胡乱扔的满床都是。我还得照顾两个孩子，哪有时间一下去叠这么多衣服，所以我干脆就不管了。然后他回家后就把床上的衣服乱塞到壁橱里，好腾出地方睡觉。矛盾就是这里开始的。”

对于很多夫妇来说，争吵是不可避免的，但总会尽量忍耐或避免（就算是为了孩子！）。但根据美国密歇根大学的一项最新研究表明，夫妇因磕磕碰碰的琐事而争吵其实有助于健康。经常压抑怒火，尤其是当你感到得不到对方理解时，非常不利于你的健康。

一项在1月份发布出来对192对夫妇从1971年到1988年的研究显示：“那些习惯忍气吞声，不爱宣泄心中怒气的夫妇，死亡率要比那些时常发泄怒气的夫妇高。”研究负责人欧内斯特·哈勃格说道，他现在是密歇根大学公共卫生医学院和心理学系的名誉退休教授。

“人们都希望延年益寿，”已经在夫妇争吵对健康的影响议题上研究了30多年的哈勃格说道。“人们注意我们的饮食，我们不断加强锻炼。现在我们需要把“如何适当宣泄怒气”摆上日程了。“

根据对来自马萨诸塞州弗兰明汉姆地区的4000对夫妇长达10年的研究显示，那些在争吵中压抑怒火的女性一方可能会对自身健康造成不利的影响。2007年最新出版的“身心医学健康杂志”中的文章指出：“那些在与另一半争吵中经常“忍气吞声”的女性，死亡率是那些能够宣泄怒气的女性的四倍之高。”

学校没有提供101争吵学课程。所以保持健康争吵方式的具体细节是怎样的呢？

释放自己的情绪

哈勃格指出，尽快尽早的让对方知道你在生气是第一步需要做到的。

“你可以直接把怒气宣泄出来，或者可以说，“你这样做让我很不爽，但我现在不想谈这个，咱们以后再说”，“他说道“有时为了解决问题，你需要先说出你的感受。“

有时候，甚至意识到问题所在也不好办。

尤妮思·沃斯特根来自西雅图，在一家大型县级公司担任项目经理，谈到她与第一任丈夫在政治意见，情感表达甚至饮食习惯方面背道而驰，然而由于她在威思康星州接受到的良好教育，使她很难对其表达出真实的情感，。

“我从小就接受着那种对人要友善，要学会压制自己情感的教育，”她谈到。“结果呢，我变成了一个苦闷不幸的人。但我跟第二任丈夫，如果遇到不高兴的事情，就不会忍了，我会立刻说出来。”

不要再绷着脸了，把你的感受宣泄出来吧。

有些人会用行动来表示不满。

“如果我生气了，我会使劲儿叹气或者把洗碗机里的洗好的银皿扔出去，这会让我丈夫很恼火。”来自佛罗里达州拉哥市，向多家报刊同时供稿的44岁专栏作家杰姬·帕安德鲁说道。“对他而言，这种沉默的宣泄是让他感到最糟糕的事。他会不断缠着我，直到我把怒气宣泄出来或者露出笑脸。”

帕安德鲁承认她也会用一些不漏声色的伎俩来宣泄自己的不满，比如说有一次她因为不满自己丈夫看了太多电视而把遥控器藏了起来---谁想到最后她自己竟然忘了把遥控器藏到了哪里。

“如果紧绷面孔能使两人开始谈判，那么你就占据主动位置了，”哈勃格说道。“但是被动式的宣泄感情并不是可行的办法。这种态度不能根本解决问题。最好的方法是如果你能找到一种比较正式的方式，比如说好好在桌子旁坐下把事情谈清楚。

交流和妥协

“洗衣房战士”艾米利·亚扎提克·萨雅利用电子技术来表达自己的感受。

“我的博客已经成为了我疗伤的地方。”她说道。“每当生活中遇到不快，我都会写在博客上，然后我丈夫上班的时候就会去看。待他下班回到家后，我们会坐下来讨论并解决这个问题。如果有任何问题出现在我们之间，通常在几个小时之内就会被解决。”

哈勃格谈到双方都必须互相倾听并努力做到互让一步，否则将没法解决问题。

“如果有任何一方开始冷战而使双方陷入僵局，你的问题将得不到解决。”他说道。“害怕，威胁，摆臭脸，贬低—这些做法都太出格了。但如果你可以聆听对方的倾述，倾听他们的想法和感受，然后你就可以做出妥协：‘好吧，如果你不再这样我就不会发火了。”

最后一个小贴士：保持你的幽默感

“很多年前，我和我丈夫有过一次很严重的争吵，互相大声嚷嚷。”沃斯特根说道。

“我冲着他尖叫“你太自私了！”沉默了许久，他对我说，“你刚才是不是叫我贝壳来着？”我听后笑了起来，争吵也随之结束了。