时尚双语:你对sex和love成瘾了吗？

The idea of sex and love addiction conjures up all sorts of images, however, this addiction is as painful as any other. You may be asking, "What is sex addiction or what is love addiction? Can we be addicted to love? How would we know if we are addicted to sex or addicted to love?" To begin to answer these questions and to start to understand sex and love addiction, it is important to understand why the idea of addiction becomes associated with sex and with love.

Addiction

Addiction is a process which occurs over time in a persons life. Addiction is usually associated with repetitive behaviors, obsessive thinking about a person or behavior or, in the case of substance addiction, a particular drug. Initially the behavior and the thoughts feel good and are even euphoric causing the person to want to repeat the behavior and thinking pattern. The key ingredient for addiction to occur is the feeling of euphoria the person gets from the behavior. Feeling good is very reinforcing, and humans will seek out what feels good, even if the good feeling is brief and short lived. With addiction comes obsessive thoughts, compulsive behaviors, lost time and productivity, lost relationships and marriages, lost physical and mental health. The addiction becomes the underlying drive for the person’s life.

Sex Addiction

Sex addiction can range from solitary compulsive masturbation to predatory sex crimes. This article will focus on what Patrick Carnes in his bookOut of the Shadowsrefers to as the Level One sex addict. The behaviors associated with this level of sexual behavior are usually within the range of what society views as victimless. Sexual behaviors which occur between what appears to be consenting adults, even if the behavior is illegal, is tolerated and even encouraged, and is often considered victimless. An example would be prostitution. Prostitution is a crime, and participating in sex with a prostitute is a crime in most parts of our society. However, it is tolerated by our society and often viewed as behavior between adults to which both consent--it becomes viewed as anecessary this view no one is victimized by the other.

Besides prostitution, other behaviors which are in level one include: pornography, strip shows, peep shows, compulsive masturbation, massage parlors, repetitive one-night stands, multiple sex partners, cruising in bars and restrooms, and so forth. More recently we have cybersex, phone sex, or e-sex. The sex addict may participate in one or many of these behaviors, but the behavior is repetitive, compulsive, and driven. What may have begun as a curiosity regarding pornography, soon evolves into obsession. What was meant to be one trip to a prostitute becomes repetitive, expensive, and time consuming--not to mention demoralizing, shame producing, physically dangerous, and emotionally draining. Often the thrill of risky, clandestine behavior is enough to continue the pursuit. The obsessive thinking takes up ever growing amounts of time, even as the compulsive addictive behavior may be becoming less and less rewarding.

Most often these behaviors are done in secret. The addict may reveal the tip of the iceberg to a friend, but rarely the extent of the obsession. If the addict is married or in a relationship, the secret must be covered up with lies and deception. Money spent must be allowed for in the budget. Time lost must be accounted for. Even while the behavior continues to reinforce the obsession, the act becomes hollow and shameful for the sex addict. The problems associated with the addiction begin to outweigh the pleasure derived from the behavior.

Love Addiction

It may seem incongruous to placeloveandaddictionwithin the same context, but if you understand how the addictive process occurs in people’s lives, then it becomes easy to associate the two ideas. Addiction occurs when a person gets hooked on the feeling associated with a behavior. In this case love. Our culture tends to place a high premium on the love between intimates. We view love or romantic love as the basis of a relationship. If there isn’t romantic love, if we don’t feel "in love" with the person we are less likely to think about a long term commitment or marriage. The "in love" feeling is euphoric, and it is quite reinforcing. The longing associated with that early bloom of romantic love is well known and is the subject of love songs, romantic movies, and love stories. Romantic comedies act out the interplay between two people as they move from strangers to being in love. The film expresses the longing, the delight, the humor, and sometimes the pain of romantic love.

Love becomes addictive when that feeling of euphoria which occurs during romantic love becomes the goal. The early stage of a relationship when the other is still unknown, when we can look endlessly into their eyes, when the sound of their voice causes our heart to race, is the bonding stage. This early stage (the beginning, the first meeting, the first kiss) is followed quickly by the first weeks and months of the relationship, and the physical arousal level is high. Researches who have studied human behavior are quite aware of the hormones and endorphins which are secreted in greater amounts during this stage, and which further act to reinforce the bonding. This chemical process can be addictive. That euphoric feeling becomes what is sought after and what triggers the addictive cycle.

Love addicts can be recognized by their movement from relationship to relationship, multiple marriages, affairs while in a committed relationship, and their general focus on the next man or woman who might come into their lives. The flight in and out of relationships soon looses its thrill, and the love addict is left with pain and loss. Some love addicts may be hooked on fantasy lovers. Fantasy lovers are people the addict loves and longs for from a distance. These people may not actually go in and out of relationships, but instead spend large amounts of time in chat rooms, reading romance novels, or going to movie after movie. This frantic behavior is an attempt to feel good. To replicate the feeling of being in love. Unfortunately, what usually occurs is deadening depression. Chat rooms, romance novels, and movies are not negative in themselves, they are meant to be entertaining, stimulating, and fun. For the love addict, these pursuits become the tools of their addictive process. While some love addicts go from person to person, others addict to one person. This love addict creates a fantasy relationship and tries repeatedly to fit the person into the fantasy. Even in the face of evidence to the contrary, the love addict will continue the fantasy of being in love with the perfect mate.

Sex and Love Addiction

Sex and love go hand in hand. When we are in love it often follows that we have sex with that person. We even call itmaking ver, for the sex and love addict, love and sex within the same relationship becomes stale and boring after awhile. The first blush is off, the bloom has paled. In short, the hormones aren’t pumping quite so fast. That euphoric feeling has died down, and the real work of the relationship begins. At this point the sex addict will increase their addictive behavior and the love addict may begin to look elsewhere. The addictive cycle begins (if it ever ended) anew. The cherished hope within the sex and love addict that the new relationship will be enough to break the cycle is met with failure, loss, and shame.

Recovery

Recovery from sex and love addiction can occur. The process of recovery is much like recovery from substance addictions. First, the addict begins the process of healing by identifying the painful damaging behavior. By acknowledging their behavior is addictive and destructive, their lives become open to growth and change. The addict learns to recognize how their thinking, their feelings, and their behaviors lead them into the addictive cycle. Frequently, sex and love addicts are depressed and anxious, and begin to feel worse before they feel better making the recovery process painful.

There is help. The sex and love addict is not alone. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, a 12-Step program modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous, offers the addict a place to learn about themselves and the addictive process. The tools of recovery are available if the person is willing to take the step into a new life. Another important tool for recovery is counseling. Counseling can help the person understand how their unfinished business from the past is affecting them today. They can begin to unravel how the addictive cycle works in their lives.

成瘾可能发生在人一生中任何阶段，常常与重复行为、强迫性观念，或者在物质成瘾中，一种特殊的药物联系在一起的。最初行为和想法尚且感觉良好，使人感到欣快地想要重复这些行为和思维方式。成瘾的关键组成部分是人们从特定行为中获得的欣快感受。感觉良好就具有强化作用，人们会寻找出是什么让他感觉良好，即使这种感觉短暂一时。伴随着成瘾，他们会出现强迫观念以及强迫行为，时间和工效观念丧失，人际关系和婚姻丧失，身体和心理健康丧失等后果。上瘾渐渐会变成一个人生活的内在驱力。

性成瘾

性成瘾从独自强迫性的自慰，到掠夺式的性犯罪，都可能存在着。本文将着重介绍Patrick Carnes在其书《走出阴影》中所描述的第一水平的性成瘾。伴随这种水平的性行为的一些行为被社会视为其中无人受害，性行为发生在自愿的成人之间，即使是非法的，仍然是可以容许甚至是可以鼓励的，毕竟没有其中没有人受害。卖淫就是这样，卖淫在大部分地方都是犯罪行为。但是它能够被我们的社会所容许，常常被当作是成人的自愿行为，这是不可避免的事情，从这种角度看，没有人会收到别人的问责。

除了卖淫外，其他第一水平的行为还有：色情作品，脱衣舞，偷窥秀，强迫性的自慰，按摩院，一夜情，多名性伴侣，酒吧或者澡堂揽客。现在更是有网络性爱，电话性爱，乃至虚拟性爱。性成瘾可能参与一种或者多种这样的性行为，然而不管如何这种行为都是重复性地，强迫性的，冲动性的，受到内在驱使的。可能发生的是刚刚最初对色情作品好奇，发展成为强迫性冲动。一次嫖娼的经历可能会再三重复，耗费大量金钱和时间，更不用说意志消沉、羞耻感的产生，身体上的危险，情感上的衰竭。常常秘密而冒险的行为所带来的兴奋足以维持对这种行为的追求。渐渐地，即使强迫性成瘾行为所带来的欣快感变得越来越淡，强迫性观念占据的时间却越来越多。

大多数情况下这样的行为是秘密进行的。成瘾者可能只向朋友暴露其状况的冰山一角，但不会透露自己的强迫程度。如果成瘾者结婚或者恋爱了，秘密还会被谎言和欺骗所掩盖。其中金钱花费要列入预算，时间花费也要进行解释。即使当这种行为继续为了增强强迫性而进行的，这种举动对于性成瘾者仍然被视为虚伪和羞耻的。这个伴随成瘾的问题带来的烦恼或许从程度上超过了行为本身带来的愉悦。

爱情成瘾

将爱情和成瘾放在一起或许有些不和谐，但如果你理解了成瘾过程怎么在人们的生活中发生之后，将二者联系起来就容易多了。当一个人着迷与行为伴随的感受，成瘾便发生了，爱情也是如此。我们的文化倾向于鼓励恋人间的爱情。我们把爱或者浪漫的爱视为关系的基础。如果没有浪漫的爱，我们就不会感觉到在恋爱，亦不会去想要维持长期的关系，更不会考虑婚姻。恋爱的感觉就是一种欣快感，对人的强化作用非常大。渴望绽放烂漫的爱情之花是爱情歌曲、浪漫电影、爱情故事的永恒主题。浪漫喜剧更是上演着一对恋人从陌生到相爱的经历。电影表达着浪漫爱情的渴望，带来的快乐，幽默以及伤痛。

当以追求浪漫爱情带来的欣快感为目的时，爱情就成瘾了。爱情关系最初的契合阶段中，彼此仍旧不了解对方，我们彼此深深地看着对方的眼睛，对方的声音都可以使我们心跳加速。这个阶段（从开始，到初次约会，到初吻）会持续一周或者一月，此时生理唤醒水平还是比较高的。研究人类行为的学者发现在这个阶段，荷尔蒙和内啡肽（一种体内镇痛物质）的含量在秘密地增加，这就会强化爱情行为。这个化学过程可能导致成瘾。这种欣快感就是之后成瘾者追求的目标，也是引发成瘾周期的元凶。

爱情成瘾者可能有以下形式的举动：关系的深入发展，多重婚姻，忠诚关系中的婚外逸事，并且他们一般着聚焦于下一个出现在他们生活中的异性。在这种关系中的反复无常使兴奋性降低，爱情成瘾者只剩下伤痛和损失。一些爱情成瘾者还可能着迷于幻想爱人。幻想爱人是成瘾者只渴望在异地喜爱的人。这些人可能不会在感情关系中反复无常，但是会花费大量的时间在聊天室中，读浪漫小说，或者去狂看爱情电影。这种疯狂的行为是在试图追求和重复恋爱美妙的感受。有的爱情成瘾者会不断调换不同的异性，而有些的对象却只有一个异性。

康复

性与爱情成瘾的康复是有可能的，就像物质成瘾的康复一样。首先，成瘾者应该认识到这种给自己带来伤痛损害得行为。通过认识到他们的行为是成瘾并具有破坏性的，他们的生命将开放、成长和改善。成瘾者通过学习了解他们的想法、感受和行为是如何诱导他们进入了成瘾周期的。性与爱情成瘾者常常会抑郁和焦虑，他们在感觉改善之前会感觉糟糕，这会使得康复的进程变得困难。

还是有解决方法的。性与爱情成瘾者并不孤独。性与爱情成瘾者互助协会，仿照戒酒互助协会，提供给成瘾者一个场所了解自己以及成瘾过程。如果他们愿意踏入新的生活，可以参与到其中。另外一个重要的康复就是咨询。咨询可能帮助了解他们过去心理和人格%