为什么中国父母不说我爱你

One of my parents’ favourite ice-breakers is, “So, have you eaten?” It doesn’t matter what time of day it is or which meal, specifically. Rather than asking each other how we are, we’d end up spending most of the time describing our dinners over the phone.

我父母最常用的破冰语就是“你吃了么？”并不特定局限于一天的什么时间段或者哪一顿饭。不是互相聊聊最近如何，我们只会在电话里花大把时间谈论下吃饭的话题。

Like many Asian families, we’d become incredibly proficient at reading cryptic emotional signs. There may not be big hugs and open praise, but once in a while, mum would put an unexpected fried egg in our noodles or dad would try and make conversation by asking us to pronounce, then spell every street name he’s ever had trouble remembering. Those, as we’d try to explain to our friends, are their ‘affectionate’ sides.

同许多亚洲家庭一样，我们能精妙的读懂含蓄的情感表达。也许没有热情的拥抱和赞扬，但间或你会在面条下意外的发现母亲特意准备的煎蛋，父亲也会尝试和你聊聊他记不住的街道名称让你为他发音与拼写一下。当我们和朋友们谈及时，这些场景便成为他们“深情”的表现。

From time to time, my sister and I would wonder whether it’s time we started challenging the awkward PDE (public display of emotion) policy at home. But the sheer difficulty of trying to make our parents break character after years of polite reticence would end up holding us back.

不时的我和我的姐姐（或妹妹）会想，我们是否应该在家挑战下这个奇怪的关于公开表达感情的规矩。但让父母改变多年儒雅含蓄的性格难上加难，总是让我们望而却步。

A scene from the film 'Eat Drink Man Woman'.

“饮食男女”其中的一幕

Plus, there’s always the possibility that too much affection could backfire. Earlier this year, Global Times reported that young people telling their parents ‘I love you’ over the phone have left many parents ‘bewildered’ and in shock.

此外，太多的情感外放也可能会带来意料之外的结果。年初环球时报报道，一些年轻人在电话里对着父母说“我爱你”，导致了许多父母的“不知所措”和异常震惊。

One viral video from Anhui TV station showed what happened after a group of Chinese university students told their parents ‘I love you’ for the first time in their lives. Instead of a montage of hugs and teary faces set to a score of Katy Perry’s ‘Roar’, the declaration of love were mostly met with comments like, “What’s going on?” “Are you drunk?” or as one father put it, “I’m going to a meeting, so cut the crap.”

一个广为流传的安徽电视台的视频，记录了当一群大学生在电话里第一次告诉父母“我爱你”后的反应。这段关于爱的表白并未引发类似于凯蒂-佩里的‘怒吼’乐谱里那些蒙太奇的拥抱或者流泪的表情，表白的大学生们得到的大部分回复是“发生了什么事？”“喝醉了吧？”，甚至有一位父亲在说完“我马上要开会了，废话少说”后就直接挂掉了。

Peking University sociologist Xia Xueluan explained that the parents' responses reveal Chinese parents “are not good at expressing positive emotions” and “are used to educating children with negative language”. Meanwhile, writers at Business Insiders were quick to attribute the fear of the L word to “Confucian teaching, or the remnants of 20th Century Communism. “

北京大学社会学系教授夏学銮解释道，视频中这些父母的回应表明了中国的父母“并不擅长积极的情感表达”，他们“习惯于用消极的语言来教导孩子”。Business Insiders的作者很快将对爱字的拘于表达归结于“儒学，或者是20世纪共产主义残留（的影响）”。

From a sociological perspective, studies have also found that the phrase ‘I love you’ tends to be used less in a high context culture where “expectations are high and well documented”. While in the West (low context society), relationships are often managed with ‘I love you reminders’ to reassure someone of their importance, in high context culture, “intensely personal and intimate declarations can seem out of place and overly forceful.”

从社会学角度分析，研究发现“我爱你”这种表述在高语境文化中运用得更少，因为“这些期望将会被更高更好的记录”。在西方（低语境社会）人际交往间的维护，往往会通过‘我爱你提醒’来向别人表达他们的重要性，对比于此，高语境文化中“频繁的个人及亲密表白会显得不合时宜与过于强硬”。

But surely those theories alone can’t account for why so many Chinese parents – my own included – don’t find the phrase to be an adequate expression of familial love? An alternative (and more practical) reason could be the formal nature of ‘I love you’ in the Chinese language. For one thing, in English, we can bookend a conversation with a casual ‘love ya’. But the Chinese phrase ‘Wo ai ni’ is more of a blunt and powerful signifier of commitment, rather than affection.

但仅仅这些理论并不能解释为什么大部分中国父母（包括我的父亲母亲）认为这并不是一个恰当的亲情表达语句？另一种（更加适用的）解释则为“我爱你”在中文语境中非常正式。一个小例子，在英文中我们可以用一个轻松的“爱你~”来开始一段对话，但在中文语句中“我爱你（拼音）”更像是一个坦率有力的承诺的表达，而非仅仅是感情（的表达）。

In this sense, the nuance of parental love is often better expressed through action. In a markedly more uplifting video titled ‘Asian Parents and the Awkward ‘I Love You’”, interviewees reveal the various ways their parents attempt to show their love: from the way a father tirelessly provides to the fact that one parent gives her the “good cuts of meat when they go out and eat”.

基于上述意义，父母的爱的精妙之处能通过行动更好的表达。在一个更加笑料十足的视频“亚洲父母与别扭的‘我爱你’”中，受访者讲述了很多他们父母试图表达关爱的方式：其中一位父亲乐此不疲的坚持通过 “在外出就餐时父母中的一方要为她准备健康的肉食”这样的方式表现他的爱。

In all their awkwardness, Chinese parents have a knack of showing their affection with irony. They will scream at you for spending too much money on them. And will fight to their deaths in the middle of a restaurant for the right to get the bill.

在所有的这些别扭中，中国父母非常擅长用一种讽刺的意味来表达爱。他们会责备你在他们身上花了太多钱。会在餐厅中间跟拼了老命似的同你争夺账单的付款权。

As blogger Cindy writes, “Chinese families know how to love fiercely. They do it through immense generosity, unwavering loyalty, and a lot of food. We love differently, not better, not worse, but definitely different.”

正如博主辛迪写道，“中国家庭知道如何热情的去爱，他们的爱是无私的慷慨、坚定的忠诚与大桌的食物。我们赋予爱不同的表达方式，非关更好，亦不会更坏，只是与别不同。”