一些与伴侣增进感情的小秘诀

When Tomi Tuel's husband comes home from a business trip, she grills him a steak and mixes up a Mudslide cocktail, bakes a cake and hangs party streamers from the fan over the kitchen table. Once after an especially long trip, she and the children dressed up the dog -- in a tutu, reindeer ears and a sign around its neck that read: 'Welcome home, Dad!'
当多美·托尔(Tomi Tuel)的丈夫结束出差回到家后，多美给他煎了牛排、调了一杯香浓丝滑的鸡尾酒、烤了一块蛋糕，还在厨房餐桌上方的风扇上挂了许多聚会彩带。每次多美的丈夫长期出差后回家，她和孩子们都会将宠物狗盛装打扮一番——给它穿上芭蕾舞裙、戴上麋鹿角，再在它的脖子上挂上一块写有“欢迎回家，老爸！”的牌子。

'He thanked and thanked me,' says Ms. Tuel, 48, who lives in Folsom, Calif., and is a state budget analyst. 'He was just gushing.'
托尔女士称：“我丈夫不止一次向我表达了谢意。”现在48岁的托尔女士居住在加利福尼亚州的福尔瑟姆(Folsom)，她是一位州预算分析员。

Do you go out of your way to show your spouse you care?
你会不厌其烦地向伴侣表示关心吗？

You should. Experts say a common cause of divorce is the feeling of being unappreciated by one's spouse. It is a problem that sneaks up on a relationship. Couples expect that having children or financial difficulties will put a strain on their relationship. Yet they are often unprepared for the sadness and resentment that result from feeling ignored or taken for granted by their partner.
你应该这样做。专家表示，离婚的一个常见原因就是感受不到来自伴侣的感激。这一问题会慢慢吞噬一段感情。伴侣们认为，新生命诞生或者财务困难才会给他们的关系带来压力。然而，他们却往往会被由伴侣的忽视和熟视无睹导致的伤心和不满搞得措手不及。

Now here's the good news: Studies show that demonstrating appreciation for your partner not only makes the other person feel better, it makes you feel better, too.
现在好消息来了：有研究显示，向你的伴侣表达感激之情不仅可以让你的另一半感觉更好，也会让你感觉更好。

One of the best ways to show your spouse you really care is to go out of your way to celebrate good things that happen to him or her. Think of it as leveraging the positive. Researchers call it 'capitalization' and say it is just as important -- and maybe more so -- than being supportive in tough times.
向伴侣表达发自内心的感激之情的最好方式就是不遗余力地为他/她庆祝发生在他/她身上的好事情。请把这种庆祝活动视为提升积极影响的方式。研究人员将其称为“资本化”，研究人员称，“资本化”的重要性与在患难时给予支持一样，或者还更重要些。

Researchers found people whose spouses were supportive when things were going right believed the partners also would be helpful if things should go wrong. The research was published in 2012 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 'Just the perception that there would be support during bad times increased their emotional intimacy, trust and marital satisfaction,' says Shelly Gable, professor of psychological and brain sciences at the University of California, Santa Barbara, and a co-author on the study.
研究人员发现，那些在顺遂的日子获得了来自伴侣支持的人普遍相信，他们的伴侣在患难时也能对他们鼎力支持。该研究于2012年发表于《个性与社会心理学杂志》(Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)。加州大学 塔芭芭拉分校(University of California, Santa Barbara)的心理学和大脑科学教授、该研究的合着者谢利·盖布尔(Shelly Gable)表示：“单单是这种患难时期会得到支持的信念就能增进伴侣间的亲密关系、信任和对婚姻的满意度。

Another big plus: It's a lot easier to celebrate good times than to support someone through bad times. While it's important to be there for a partner when he or she is under stress, research shows there are challenges, too. You may not know what kind of help your spouse truly needs. Your support may make your partner feel vulnerable or indebted and focus more attention on the problem. And even when you succeed in giving support, you are bringing your partner's mood up to baseline, not necessarily making him or her happy.
感恩计划很多夫妻都是等危机到来之时才会向伴侣表示支持并为增进双方的关系而做努力。治疗专家建议，夫妻应该在关系顺遂的日子里就通过向对方表达感激而提升积极的生活体验。一种特别的形式叫做“资本化”，即大力庆祝伴侣的成功和成就。

And finally: 'Positive events occur more often than negative events,' Dr. Gable says. 'So there are a lot more opportunities.'
每天……为妻子奉上床边咖啡。在厨房里储存好他最喜欢的零食。在她的梳妆台上贴一张爱的便签。

Dr. Gable counts four possible responses to a partner's good news. You can ignore it or turn the subject back to yourself. Your spouse tells you she got a raise, and you respond with, 'What's for dinner?' or 'Wait until you hear what happened to me today.' Researchers call this a 'passive destructive' response.
每月……将他的车开出去清洗并加满油。用特别晚餐迎接她下班。寄给他一张感谢卡片。

An 'active destructive' response would be if you aggressively worked to dampen your spouse's enthusiasm. 'You got a raise? Doesn't that mean you will have to work a lot more?' Or 'how will you handle the stress?'
在特别的日子里……减肥计划奏效了—他的牛仔裤又合身了！请他吃附近最美味的沙拉。她的勤奋工作得到了老板的赏识。向家里人吹嘘自己的妻子—在她听得见的时候。在看电影的时候，他向你耳语了一则极其好笑的评论。告诉他，“你是我认识的最有趣的人。”另一个好处是：与支持某人走过患难之时相比，庆祝欢乐时光显然容易得多。虽然当伴侣面临压力之时对其支持非常重要，但是研究显示，这样做也面临着一些挑战。你可能无法知道哪种帮助是你的伴侣真正需要的。你的支持或许会让你的伴侣感觉到脆弱或者负罪，并且更加关注现有的问题。即使当你成功地给予了支持后，你可以令伴侣的心情平复，但并不一定会使他/她更快乐。

You could be polite but show little interest -- the 'passive positive' response. 'That's nice, dear. What would you like for dinner?'
最后，盖布尔称：“积极事件出现的频率远远高于消极事件”。“因此，机会也多得多。”

None of these will do your relationship any favors. The correct response -- if you want to help your marriage now and down the road, research shows -- is 'active constructive,' where you display enthusiasm. Be a thoughtful listener. Ask questions. Be interested and excited. And to show you really understand your spouse, point out why the news is important. 'I know how hard you worked to earn this promotion. You'll be a great leader. Let's go to dinner to celebrate.' Studies show this type of response increases all three positive outcomes -- emotional intimacy, trust and marital satisfaction -- for both partners.
盖布尔将对伴侣好消息的反应划分为四种。你可以忽视伴侣的好消息或者将话题转回到自己身上。比如，当你的伴侣告诉你她获得了加薪后，你答复她“晚餐吃什么？”或“等会儿听听今天发生在我身上的事情吧。”研究人员将此称作“被动破坏型”回应。

In addition to celebrating good times, experts say, it is essential to show appreciation to your spouse regularly, as in every day. 'You need to participate in relationships to keep them alive,' Dr. Gable says.
“主动破坏型”回应是那种你主动打消伴侣热情的行为。“你得到了加薪？难道这不意味着你的工作量增加了很多吗？”或者“那你要怎样应对由此带来的压力呢？”While reporting this column, I asked people how they show their spouse they care. I heard from husbands who bring their wives coffee in bed, warm up the car on cold mornings and save her the last piece of chocolate. There are wives who make breakfast for their husbands every morning and brag to friends, within his earshot, about what a great husband he is.
你还可能以一种很礼貌但不太关心的方式回应—即“被动积极型”的回应。“真不错，亲爱的，你晚餐想吃点什么啊？”

Research shows these little gestures have a powerful effect on a relationship. They promote commitment. 'Being appreciative of your partner makes you want to hold on to your relationship,' says Amie Gordon, a postdoctoral scholar at the Institute of Personality and Social Research at the University of California, Berkeley, who studies gratitude in relationships. 'It helps you realize you have something great.' When one spouse shows appreciation, she says, it can start a cycle that makes the other spouse more appreciative and committed, too.
上述几种回应方式都不能给你的感情带来任何益处。研究显示，无论现在或者将来，如果你想要婚姻越来越甜蜜，那么正确的回应方式应该是“主动积极型”，即展现出自己的热情。做一名体贴的聆听者。提出问题。表现出你的兴趣和热情。显示出你对伴侣真切的理解，指出为什么他/她的好消息如此重要。“我知道为了得到这次晋升，你付出了很多努力。你会成为一名出色的领导者。让我们出去吃晚餐来庆祝一下吧。”研究显示，这种回应方式可以增进三个方面的积极效果—亲密关系、信任和对婚姻的满意度—对伴侣双方都是如此。

Still, there's a hidden and surprising danger in showing appreciation for your spouse. Do it too often and it might lose its positive impact. 'Appreciation is tied up with expectations,' Dr. Gordon says. 'The more you expect something, the less you appreciate it.' Her advice: Change it up. Bring your beloved coffee one morning; make a nightcap another day.
专家表示，除了庆祝欢乐时光之外，定期—比如每天—向伴侣表示感谢也至关重要。盖布尔称：“为了让两人的关系历久弥新，你需要努力地经营它。”

And what if you are the one who needs the extra love? 'If you want to see good behavior, model it,' says Paul Hokemeyer, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York and Boca Raton, Fla. 'You need to set the standard you want to receive.'
当写作这篇专栏文章时，我向一些人询问了他们向伴侣表达关心的方法。我听到有些丈夫会为他们的妻子奉上床边咖啡、在寒冷的早晨帮她们热车并且把最后一块巧克力留给她们。而这些妻子则是那些每天早晨为丈夫准备早餐，向朋友们吹嘘自己的丈夫有多棒（并且让丈夫听到）的人。

To avoid feeling self-conscious, start each day with one small act of generosity, Dr. Hokemeyer says. Make the bed for her. Tuck a love note in his suitcase before a business trip. Mail a card or handwritten note to your spouse at home.
研究显示，这些小举动对感情具有重大影响。它们能够提升忠诚度。加州大学伯克利分校(University of California, Berkeley)人格和社会研究所(Institute of Personality and Social Research)的博士后埃米·戈登(Amie Gordon)表示：“对伴侣心怀感激会使你努力维系感情。”戈登曾对伴侣关系中的感激之情进行过研究。她称：“这些小举动有助于你认识到自己拥有的宝贵财富。”她还称，当伴侣中的一方表达感激之情时，良性循环会由此开启，伴侣中的另一方也会更加感恩、更加忠诚。

Keep up your efforts for 30 days, Dr. Hokemeyer says. Hopefully, by then your spouse will notice and reciprocate. If that doesn't happen, it's time for a conversation.
然而，当你向伴侣表达感激之情时，有一个隐秘且意外的风险也同时存在着。太频繁地表达感激之情可能或失去其积极的影响。戈登称：“感激是与期望紧密相联的。你越是期待某件事情，你对它的感激之情就越不强烈。”她的建议是：做些调整。为你的爱人在某天清早端上一杯咖啡；在另一天端上一杯睡前饮品。

One year, Leon Lewandowski, a third-grade teacher in Santa Barbara, Calif., and his wife, Mary, created an 'appreciation box.' They kept a shoebox on the living room mantel with slips of paper and a pen alongside it. During the week, when they each noticed and appreciated something nice the other had done, they wrote it down and slipped the note into the box. 'Thanks for letting me sleep in on Saturday morning.' 'You made me laugh so hard.' 'Your haircut makes you look great.'
如果你是那个需要额外关爱的人怎么办？在纽约和佛罗里达州博卡拉顿执业的注册婚姻家庭治疗师保罗·霍克迈尔(Paul Hokemeyer)表示：“如果你期待某种良好行为，那么请你率先做到。”“你需要为自己想要得到的关系设立标准。”

On Sunday night, after the children went to sleep, the two sat down, opened the box and read the appreciation slips out loud. Sometimes the notes would lead to further explanation, stories about that day or even more compliments. Always, they made the spouses feel good. 'We looked forward to this time each week,' Mr. Baxter says.
霍克迈尔表示，为了避免尴尬，你可以每天从一件体贴的小事情做起。为妻子铺床。在丈夫出差前，在他的行李箱里塞进爱的便签。向家中的地址给伴侣邮寄一张卡片或手写的便签。 霍克迈尔表示，坚持努力30天。希望到时你的伴侣会注意到这些变化并回报给你同样的体贴。如果他/她没有这么做，那么是时候好好谈谈了。