爱上一支潜力股 女性"下嫁"的好处

Today, a successful single woman who falls for a man making less money than she does or not sharing her career ambition may face not-so-subtle disapproval from friends and family. One patient of mine reported being told, 'I'm surprised you haven't found someone who is more your equal.' Another felt insulted when a trusted friend asked, 'Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with a man who is making more money than you?'

如今，成功单身女性爱上一位挣得比自己少或不能分担其事业进取心的男人可能会遭到来自亲朋好友的明确反对。我的一位患者据称就曾被这样告知：“你没能找到一位跟你更相配的人，我感到很惊讶。”另一位则在其可信赖的朋友这样发问时感到受了侮辱：“你确定跟挣得比你多的男人在一起不会更幸福吗？”

These women were in love with solid, supportive guys who shared their values -- men who weren't driven by money. They dreaded the concerned whispers from friends or family who persisted in believing that they were 'marrying down.'

这些女性都跟那些踏实可靠、能给予自己支持并与自己持有相同价值观的男性相爱了――他们爱上她们，不是因为钱。这些女性害怕听到来自朋友或家人关切的窃窃私语，那些亲朋好友坚信她们是在“下嫁”。

As a couples therapist, the notion of marrying down strikes me as impossibly antiquated. It's right out of the 'Downton Abbey' era, when suitable marriages were entirely a matter of matching people according to social class and fortune -- hence the panic when Lord Grantham's youngest daughter marries the family's Irish chauffeur.

作为一名婚姻治疗师，有关下嫁的说法让我觉得难以置信地过时。那完全是《唐顿庄园》(Downton Abbey)时代的产物。在那样的年代，合适的婚姻完全是根据双方的社会地位和身家财富而将人们凑配在一起――因此，格兰瑟姆勋爵(Lord Grantham)才会因为小女儿嫁给了家里的爱尔兰司机而痛苦不已。

The notion that women should 'marry up' endured well past the heyday of the English gentry, and the most successful breadwinners were considered the most desirable mates. Well into the 20th century, relatively few high-paying jobs were available to women, so for the most part, women went to college to get their M.R.S., or maybe to land the kind of work that would put them near the right professional men.

女性应该“高攀”的观念在经历了英国乡绅贵族的鼎盛时期后依然深入人心，最成功的养家者会被视为最令人满意的伴侣。在进入20世纪很久以后，提供给女性的高薪工作相对来说仍比较少，所以大多数情况下，女性读大学是为了在学校结识男性然后嫁为人妇，或者是为了在毕业后能找到一份可以使自己能接近合适职场男性的工作。

Today, more women than men are graduating from college and graduate school. Pew Research, which has been compiling data on the topic over the past 50 years, reports that for the first time, 'the share of couples in which the wife is the one 'marrying down' educationally is higher than those in which the husband has more education.' In 2012, the report notes, 27% of newlywed women married a spouse with less education, while only 15% of newlywed men did the same.

如今，从大学和研究生院校毕业的女性人数超过了男性。皮尤研究中心(Pew Research)在过去的50年间一直在搜集编汇与该主题相关的数据，其报告称，有史以来第一次出现“妻高夫低”的婚姻比例超过了“夫高妻低”的婚姻比例――前者指妻子学历更高而委身‘下嫁’的情况，后者则指丈夫学历更高。”2012年，该报告指出，27%的新婚女性都嫁给了学历比自己低的配偶，而只有15%的新婚男子娶了学历比自己低的伴侣。

More education doesn't necessarily lead to greater earning power, but in most U.S. cities, single, childless women under 30 now make more money than their male peers, according to analysis by Reach Advisors, a research firm. Across all social classes, women contribute 47% of household income, reports the Carsey Institute at the University of New Hampshire. And most strikingly, Pew has found that in 24% of marriages, women earn more than their husbands, up from 6.2% in 1960.

受教育程度更高并不一定会造就更强的赚钱能力，但据研究公司Reach Advisors的分析表明，在美国的大多数城市，单身无子、年龄在30岁以下的女性比同龄男性挣得更多。新罕布什尔大学(University of New Hampshire) 卡西学院(Carsey Institute)的报告称，纵览所有的社会阶层，女性给家庭收入带来的贡献为47%。而皮尤研究发现，最令人震惊的是，在24%的婚姻中，女性都比她们的丈夫挣得更多，这一数据比例在1960年仅为6.2%。

For most strong, successful women, the alpha male of old isn't the best match. I have seen in my practice what happens when two dominant personalities engage in power struggles: The alpha male will assume that his priorities should dominate, while the alpha woman will assert hers. These are the most difficult duos to treat.

对于大多数强势的成功女性而言，有点大男子主义的年长男性并不是最佳伴侣。在婚姻咨询业务活动中，我已目睹了当两位有着支配性人格的男女卷入权力斗争时会发生什么：大男子主义的丈夫将认为他优先考虑的事应该占主导地位，而大女子主义的妻子则会坚持她自己的考量。这样的夫妻问题是最难解决的。

Over the past 30 years, says Stephanie Coontz, director of public education at the Council on Contemporary Families at the University of Chicago, 'egalitarian values have become increasingly important to relationship success.' Confident, dominant women need collaborative partners more than they need traditional breadwinners. They need men who aren't threatened by their strength and will support their goals.

芝加哥大学(University of Chicago)现代家庭理事会(Council on Contemporary Families)公共教育主管斯泰芬尼・库茨(Stephanie Coontz)说，在过去30年间，“对于一段恋情是否成功，平等的价值观已变得越来越重要。”自信、占主导地位的女性更需要的是能够配合她、与之分工合作的伴侣，而不是传统的养家者。她们需要的男性是这样的：不会被自己的强势所吓倒，而且会全力支持她们的目标。

These men are secure enough to follow as well as lead. They value partnership, parenting and pulling their own weight. They work but aren't workaholics. The problem is family members and friends who sometimes devalue such men because they don't adhere to traditional standards of masculinity -- standards that should no longer apply.

这些男性有足够多的安全感，既能显身于人前又能委身于人后。他们珍视伴侣关系和养育子女的职责，并能尽到自己的责任。他们努力工作，却不是工作狂。但问题是，亲朋好友有时会低估这样的男人，因为他们无法达到传统的男子气概标准――这种标准不该再适用于今天。

What high-achieving women need are men strong enough to support their achievements, contribute to the household in services and/or money, and be loving partners. A strong woman will reap the benefit of this kind of respectful, responsible beta man; he will be more flexible, more nurturing and more willing to share the responsibilities of family life.

建树颇高的女性所需要的，是男性可以足够强大，强大到能支持她们取得成就，在服务与/或金钱方面，还能对整个家庭有所贡献，而且得是一位充满爱意的伴侣。女强人将从这种恭敬、负责的“小男人”身上获益。他会更灵活、更会悉心照料人而且更愿意承担家庭生活的责任。

Attitudes are slowly changing. According to Pew, only 28% of respondents agreed that it is 'generally better for a marriage if the husband earns more than the wife.' But we still have a long way to go: Economists at the University of Chicago School of Business found in 2013 that women are leery of making more than their husbands do and may even choose to stay out of the workplace if they think they're in danger of earning more than their husbands.

人们的态度正在慢慢发生改变。据皮尤研究中心称，只有28%的受访者认同这样的观点――“如果丈夫比妻子挣得更多，这对一段婚姻来说一般会更好。”但我们仍有很长一段路要走：芝加哥大学商学院(University of Chicago School of Business)经济学家在2013年发现，女性对于自己比丈夫挣得多的情况非常小心，在觉得这种状况做会让自己陷入困境时，她们甚至会远离职场。

Today's romances suggest that growing numbers of smart women and men are marrying neither up nor down -- they're just marrying the right person.

现今的爱情故事表明，越来越多的聪慧女性和睿智男性都不是“低就”，也不是“高攀”――他们只是选择了和一个对的人步入婚姻。