双语散文:不要责备,一心去爱
【英文原文】
摘要：你当然不会希望你的孩子长大后成为一个吸毒者。从她出生开始，你就憧憬和梦想着她的未来，但无论这个未来是怎样的，肯定都不会包含吸毒这一条。
You don't expect your child to grow up to be a heroin addict. From the moment of her birth, you have hopes and dreams about the future, but they never include heroin addiction. That couldn't happen to your child, because addiction is the result of a bad environment, bad parenting. There is most definitely someone or something to blame.
That's what I used to believe. But after failed rehab and long periods of separation from my heroin-addicted daughter, after years of holding my breath, waiting for another relapse, I now believe there is no blame.
After Katie admitted her addiction, I struggled to understand how this could have happened to my daughter — a bright, beautiful, talented and most importantly, loved young woman. When the initial shock wore off, I analyzed and inventoried all the whys and hows of Katie's addiction. I searched for someone or something to blame. I blamed her friends. I blamed her dad. I blamed our divorce. But mostly, I blamed myself. My desperate heart convinced me that I should have prevented Katie's addiction, and that given another chance, I could correct my mistakes.
When Katie came home from rehab, I approached each day with the zeal of a drill sergeant. I championed the 12-step program and monitored her improvement daily as though curing heroin addiction was as simple as nursing a cold. I drove her to therapy sessions and AA meetings. I controlled everything and left nothing to chance. But in spite of my efforts, Katie didn't get better. She left my home, lost again to the powerful grip of addiction.
In the long days, weeks and months that followed, I gathered bits and pieces of old beliefs and tried to assemble them into something whole. Sometimes I gave up, and sometimes I simply let go. Gradually, my search for blame changed to a longing for hope. I comforted myself with the only thing that still connected me to my daughter: love.
I thought about Katie every day, and I missed her. I cried, and worried about her safety and whereabouts. I wrote letters I knew she'd never see. Sometimes I woke up panicked in the middle of the night, certain that my mother's intuition was preparing me for something bad. But through it all, I loved her.
I don't know why or how my daughter became addicted to heroin; I do know that it doesn't really matter. Life goes on, and Katie is still my daughter.
Katie and I meet for breakfast on Friday mornings now. We drink coffee and talk. I don't try to heal her. I just love her. Sometimes there is pain and sorrow, but there is no blame. I believe there is only love.
【中文译文】
你当然不会希望你的孩子长大后成为一个吸毒者。从她出生开始，你就憧憬和梦想着她的未来，但无论这个未来是怎样的，肯定都不会包含吸毒这一条。你觉得吸毒这种事情肯定不会发生在你的孩子身上，因为吸毒通常是糟糕的环境，糟糕的父母所造成的。一个孩子成为吸毒者，几乎肯定要怪一些人或事。
我以前也是这么想的，但在女儿戒毒康复失败并且我们分隔了很长一段时间以后，在多年的胆战心惊生怕女儿毒瘾再度复发之后，我终于相信，其实无需去责备。
当初女儿承认她在吸毒的时候，我也曾激烈地思想挣扎过，我不敢相信这样的事情会发生在我女儿的身上，要知道，她是一个聪明漂亮的女孩子，而且，更重要的是，我爱她。最初的震惊过后，我开始分析和总结女儿染上毒瘾的原因。我内心绝望地想找到可以把这事情归咎于的对象，就像溺水之人寻找救命稻草一样，我责怪她的父亲，我责怪我们的离婚；但我最多的还是责怪自己。我认为自己本应阻止女儿的吸毒的，我多么希望有重头再来的机会，那样我就能纠正我所犯下的错误。
所以，女儿从康复所回到家中后，我便每天都以极大的热情投入生活。我全心全意地按照“12步程序”说的做，努力让自己相信治愈海洛因上瘾跟治愈感冒一样容易。我开车送她去心理治疗和互助小组。我努力控制一切因素，不让事情有变糟的任何机会。但最终我的努力还是白费了，女儿并没有像我想像的那样变得好起来，她离开了家，又一次走向了毒品。
在此后的漫长日子里，我努力拾掇内心已破碎的往日的信仰，试图将它们拼凑成强大的信念。有时我放弃了，有时我几乎不想再继续了，想一切就随它去吧。但渐渐的，以往那种四处寻找责备对象的心理消失了，我开始遥望远方的希望。我开始告诉自己，无论如何，有一件事情是永远不会改变的：我爱我的女儿。
我每天都想着我的女儿。我哭过，我担心她的行踪和安全。我一封封写着她永远也不会看到的信。有时候我在半夜从睡梦中惊醒，内心惊恐无比，感觉不好的事情就要降临到女儿的身上。但无论如何，我都深爱着她。
我不知道女儿怎么会染上毒瘾；但我知道这并不重要，生活还是会继续，女儿永远都是我的女儿。
现在，每周五的早晨女儿都会和我共进早餐。我们会喝咖啡，聊天。我不再像往常那样努力试图去“治愈”她。我只是全心全意地爱她。生活中仍时有伤痛，但无需责备，一心去爱。
