《美食祈祷和恋爱》Chapter 64 (142):我的天性

So what is my naturAl character? I love studying in this Ashram, but my dream of finding divinity by gliding silently through the place with a gentle, ethereal smile—who is that person? That's probably someone I saw on a TV show. The reality is, it's a little sad for me to admit that I will never be that character. I've always been so fascinated by these wraith-like, delicate souls. Always wanted to be the quiet girl. Probably precisely because I'm not. It's the same reason I think that thick, dark hair is so beautiful—precisely because I don't have it, because I can't have it. But at some point you have to make peace with what you were given and if God wanted me to be a shy girl with thick, dark hair, He would have made me that way, but He didn't. Useful, then, might be to accept how I was made and embody myself fully therein.

什么是我的天性？我喜欢在道场学习，却幻想自己带着柔和超凡的微笑悄悄走在这里，为了寻找神灵——此人是谁？可能是我在电视节目上看到的人物吧。事实上，承认自己永远当不成这样的人物，使我有些难过。我经常被那些仿如幽魂、纤细娇弱的人所吸引，始终希望自己是安静的姑娘。或许正因为我不是吧。我认为浓密的黑发非常漂亮，也是基于相同的理由——正因为我不是黑发，因为我不可能是黑发。但有些时刻，你得接受自己被赋予的东西，假使神要我成为有一头浓密黑发的羞怯姑娘，神会把我创造成那样，但并未如此。最好接受神所创造的我，具体展现全部的自己。

Or, as Sextus, the ancient Pythagorian philospher, said, "The wise man is always similar to himself."

就像古代哲人塞克斯图斯（Sextus）所说：“智者始终像他自己。”

This doesn't mean I cannot be devout. It doesn't mean I can't be thoroughly tumbled and humbled with God's love. This does not mean I cannot serve humanity. It doesn't mean I can't improve myself as a human being, honing my virtues and working daily to minimize my vices. For instance, I'm never going to be a wallflower, but that doesn't mean I can't take a serious look at my talking habits and alter some aspects for the better—working within my personality. Yes, I like talking, but perhaps I don't have to curse so much, and perhaps I don't always have to go for the cheap laugh, and maybe I don't need to talk about myself quite so constantly. Or here's a radical concept—maybe I can stop interrupting others when they are speaking. Because no matter how creatively I try to look at my habit of interrupting, I can't find another way to see it than this: "I believe that what I am saying is more important than what you are saying." And I can't find another way to see that than: "I believe that I am more important than you." And that must end.

这并不是说，我无法做虔诚的人。这不是说，我无法谦恭地看待神的爱。这不是说，我无法贡献人类。这不是说，我无法改善自己的人性，磨练美德，天天努力，减轻自己的罪过。比方说，我永远当不成壁花，但这并不是说我没法认真看待自己的说话习惯，改善自己的某些部分——在自己的人格范围内进行努力。是的，我爱说话，但或许我没必要咒骂自己，或许我只是没必要老是开没营养的玩笑。或许我没必要老是谈自己。或者，更激进的想法是——或许我不该在他人讲话时打断他们。因为无论我多么想创造性地看待这种打断他人的恶习，其实自己的看法却是“我认为我讲的话比你讲的话重要”；也就是“我认为我比你重要”。这必须终止。

All these changes would be useful to make. But even so, even with reasonable modifications to my speaking habits, I probably won't ever be known as That Quiet Girl. No matter how pretty a picture that is and no matter how hard I try. Because let's be really honest about who we're dealing with here. When the woman at the Ashram Seva Center gave me my new job assignment of Key Hostess, she said, "We have a special nickname for this position, you know. We call it ‘Little Suzy Creamcheese,' because whoever does the job needs to be social and bubbly and smiling all the time."

做这些改变有益于我。但即使在合理的范围内修正自己的讲话习惯，我可能仍无法成为“那个安静的姑娘”——无论这是一幅多么美好的画面，无论我是多么努力尝试。因为让我们真的诚实面对这个个案中案主的特质吧。当道场“歇瓦”中心的那位女士将新分派的“主招待”职务交付给我时，她说：“我们给这个职位一个特殊的匿称，叫‘苏西乳酪小姐’，因为不管谁担任这份工作，都需要整天与人社交、闲聊、微笑。”

What could I say?

我无话可说。

I just stuck out a hand to shake, bade a silent farewell to all my wishful old delusions and announced, "Madam—I'm your girl." Eat, Pray, Love

我沉默地挥别自己那些一厢情愿的妄想，只是跟她握手说：“夫人，小女子任您使唤。”