年近三十遭遇社交危机 我还有机会认识新朋友吗？大纲

A recent article suggests the period for making BFFS the way you did in your teens and 20s is over – so have I accumulated the right kinds of friends?

最近的一篇文章提到，结交最好朋友的阶段是在青少年时期和20多岁这段期间，过了这段时间，结交朋友的方式会发生变化，也很难交到好朋友了。——那我现在有没有积累够合适的朋友呢？

Once, after spending four straight days alone in my flat, communicating only with an editor (via email) and myself (via the bathroom mirror), I asked myself (in the back of a spoon): "Do you really need friends? You seem to be doing just fine all by yourself." It was my cue to drop the spoon, get dressed and make plans to see a friend as soon as possible.

曾经有一次，我一个人在公寓里呆了整整四天，只和编辑交流（通过电子邮件），再就是自我交流（对着镜子），我问我自己（对着勺子的背面）：“你真的需要朋友吗？你看起来自己一个人就挺不错的了。” 这提醒我扔掉勺子，穿上衣服，尽快安排和朋友见面。

Earlier this week, I read Alex Williams's New York Times piece in which he explores the difficulties of making friends after the age of 30. Actual close friends are in shorter supply, argues Williams. "No matter how many friends you make, a sense of fatalism can creep in: the period for making BFFs, the way you did in your teens or early 20s, is pretty much over. It's time to resign yourself to situational friends: KOF's (kind of friends) ..."

本周早些时候，我读了作家阿莱克斯-威廉斯在《纽约时报》发表的一篇文章，在文章里他探讨了30岁以后交朋友的难处。威廉斯认为，很多人实际上都缺少亲密的朋友。“无论你有多少朋友，一种宿命感会潜入到你心底：遇到最好朋友的时机过了，在青少年时或20岁左右交朋友的方式也已经结束了。现在是时候重新调整自己，结交情境式朋友：我们称其为 KOF（准朋友）。”

The article made me think. I will be 30 this November, and while I have a stable of friends accrued over a lifetime, I began to worry about the looming deadline, this most depressing of cut-off dates. Are my true friend-making days numbered? Have I collected all the real friends I am likely ever to have? Most important, have I accumulated the right kinds of friends? Who among my friends is the Rachel to my Monica?

这篇文章引发了我的思绪。今年的11月份，我就30了，按照文章中的理论，我一辈子的所有朋友也就是我现在的这些朋友了，我开始担心这不断逼近的生日，它太让人沮丧了。我结交朋友的天数屈指可数了吗？我已经拥有了可能有的所有真正的朋友了吗？ 更重要的是，我的这些朋友交的恰当吗？ 我的朋友中，谁和我的关系是像瑞秋和莫妮卡那样？

My oldest and best friend is my sister, born three years before me. The key factor in our becoming friends was clearly proximity, but our friendship is one that endures outside our sisterly bond, and in spite of our many differences. My school years were easy; I was a confident child, and managed to form a series of intense friendships that hallmark youth. At boarding school, I got so close to another girl that we shared the same bed for several months – a fact that was more or less forgotten by the time we returned in the new term and both moved on to greener friendship pastures.

我的姐姐和我做朋友时间最长，也是我最好的朋友，她比我大三岁。我们成为朋友的关键因素显而易见，但我们的友谊超过了我们的姐妹情感，尽管我们之间存在着很多的差异。我上学的时候很轻松；我是一个自信的孩子，收获了标志着青年时期的一系列亲密友谊。在寄宿学校里，我和另一个女孩走得很近，我们几个月都用一张床——这件事新学期我们就或多或少给忘了，我们又各自开拓新的朋友领地去了。

I had a different "best friend" for every year at secondary school – entirely normal behaviour for teenage girls. We moved continents when I was a child, relocating to Nigeria for a decade, before returning to London as a teenager in Year 11. My Nigerian friendships are all but over – Facebook keeps up the charade – and I have no contact with anyone from secondary school. I don't mourn the loss of those friendships too much.

在中学时每年我的“最好朋友”都不相同，青少年期的女孩都这样。当我还是孩子的时候我们家在世界各地不断迁移，搬到尼日利亚过了十年，然后在我读11年级的时候回到伦敦。 我在尼日利亚的那些友谊基本上都结束了，虽然在Facebook上看起来还存在，但我现在和中学时期的朋友没有任何联系。失去了那些友谊，我也并没有觉得很难过。

Much as you rarely marry the first person you date, it is inevitable that the friends you make in the early days are not the ones that endure. I think that as you get older, friendships become more utilitarian – "my kid likes your kid" or "we met at NCT class" or "we work together and I don't entirely hate your guts".

就像很少会有人嫁给自己的初恋，很明显大部分的人和小时结交的朋友间的友谊并不长久。 我认为，当你年纪变得越来越大，友谊会变得更加实际：“我的孩子喜欢你的孩子” 或“我们在NCT课上遇见的。” 或 “我们一起工作，我不讨厌你。”

The intensity of the friendships of my youth was borne of a lack of baggage and an abundance of time. You have greater emotional reserves when you make those friendships and when they fail, you bounce back, get back out there and try again. For most people, that resilience leaches away over the years.

我年轻时的结交友谊通常非常亲密，这是因为没有负担并、也拥有大量的时间。当你在交友时你拥有较多的情感储备；当友谊失败时你会卷土重来，回到原地并重新尝试。对于大多数人而言，这种弹性随着时间的流逝慢慢消失。

I look at my parents and their friends: my dad has had the same friends pretty much all his life. These friendships continued across marriages, deaths and continental moves. My mother is the opposite: she has one solid childhood friend – who we call "auntie" even though we share no blood – but still manages to form friendships: deep, intense and emotional. The cost of such bright-blazing friendships is that they are often short-lived and excised from the record as soon as they end. I find the thought exhausting, even as I admire her way of flinging herself out there time after time.

我也观察了我父母和他们的朋友之间的关系：我爸爸一生中的朋友基本不变。这些友谊见证了他们的婚姻、死亡和搬迁。我妈恰好相反：她只有一个稳定的童年朋友，我们叫她“阿姨”，虽然我们之间并没有血缘关系。妈妈仍在不断地和他人建立友谊：那种深刻的、亲密的和恳切的友谊。这样炙热友谊的代价是它们通常时间较短，当友谊结束时不久就会忘记。我发现这种方式让人精疲力尽，我甚至很佩服她能一次又一次地投入情感。

The friendships that have lasted for me are more considered and meaningful. I made my two closest friends at university more than a decade ago, when we would loll in the student union pub for most of the day, eating chips and ogling boys. We all live in different cities now, two are coupled up and one has two children, so it's hard to find the time to see one other very often. Our bond is still strong, but we are also more realistic about our expectations.

对我而言，能持续下来的友谊都是经过深思熟虑并富有意义的。十多年前，我在大学里交了两个最好的朋友，那时我们成天懒洋洋地待在学生会的酒吧里，吃着薯片，和男孩们眉目传情。现在我们三个生活在不同的城市里，其中两个人结婚了，还有一个有两个孩子了，所以很难找时间见面。我们之间的感情依然深厚，但是我们的期望也更加现实。

I have made friends online – people who started out as anonymous witty sentences on a comment thread – who have gone on to become a part of my "real life". Nobody's perfect, but we all draw the line on the things we will and will not put up with. The friendships that last are the ones where you both recognise that you have a good thing going. Getting older might mean you don't make that many new friends, but maybe that's a good thing. The payoff is that you treat them with more care.

我交过网友，在评论贴下留下幽默诙谐的语句慢慢成为我“真实生活” 的一部分。没有人是完美的 ，但是我们都会在能忍受和不能忍受的事情中间画上界限。能够持久的友谊，是双方都意识到继续交往下去会感觉不错。年级变大可能意味着不能结交很多新朋友，但这也许是件好事。这样你会更加关心你的老朋友。

And why the mad rush to make all these friends in later life? "Friends: One to three is sufficient." Good advice.

为什么要急着去交以后生活中的朋友呢？“朋友：一到三个足矣。” 这个说法真不错。