关注社会:暴力性侵受害者的自述

As seven men are convicted of exploiting girls as young as 11 in a paedophile ring in Oxford, abuse survivor Allie Gledhill shares her own story and how she made the road to recovery.

当英国牛津的七名性侵犯罪嫌疑人被最终伏法后，艾丽格.赫尔作为曾经的儿童性侵受害人向读者讲述了她的少年被暴力性侵的不幸遭遇以及她走出阴霾的心路历程：

If you’d told me fifteen years ago that it was possible to recover from violent sexual abuse then I’d never have believed you. I would have spat at you that you didn’t understand what it was like to suffer such intense humiliation and pain at the hands of someone who, for whatever reason, holds absolute power over you. Intense feelings of hurt, shame and anger would have erupted inside of me and I’d have dismissed you as being disgustingly ignorant for suggesting that such healing was even possible. How could it be possible to heal the scars from violent abuse?

如果25年前你对我讲，我可以从被暴力性侵的阴霾中走出来，我是绝对不会相信的。我可能唾弃你，因为你根本不理解我所遭受的屈辱和伤痛，这些都是没有办法忘却的痛苦记忆。在我的心里除了那挥之不去的痛楚就是不可遏制的愤恨，至于所谓的心理康复，我只会觉的永远不能。我当时会想，人们是无知的，因为他们没有亲身体会，所以不会真正了解受害者的内心的。

Many years and hours of counselling later, I love that I can say with conviction to other survivors of violent abuse that healing really is possible. I’m not saying that the road to healing is a short or easy one to travel down but I can say that it is a journey worth taking. You can experience the feelings of safety, love and freedom that you crave.

然而，在日复一日年复一年的心理康复治疗以后，我会对其他被性侵的受害们者说：我们是可以心理康复的。虽然康复之路会是一条很长很艰辛的路，但是为了我们内心渴望的安全、幸福和自由，这时一条值得坚持走的路。

When I was growing up I was desperate for a father’s love. I wanted to be loved the way that my girlfriends’ fathers loved them, with a strong, masculine protectiveness and admiration.

在我的青年时期，我十分渴望到父爱，我羡慕我的好朋友可以享受到无边的父爱——是那样强烈、阳刚，对自己的女儿视如珍宝。

My own father was absent, so when a distant Uncle entered my life and showered me with special attention I was drawn to him like a moth to flame. He became the father figure that I’d always wanted and he provided me with the fatherly love that I had always craved. I trusted him completely.

我从小就没有父亲，当我一个远房的叔叔走进我的生活以后，他对我特别的的关爱让我幸福极了，我觉得父亲就应该是他。他给了我渴望以久的父爱，我是那么依赖他，信任他。

When he started having sex with me I was hurt, confused and angry but he already had such a strong mental hold over me that I felt powerless to stop him. Back then I wasn’t aware that I was being abused. When I attempted to stop him my Uncle would explain that what was happening was my fault because I had flirted with him and I had been so attractive that he’d been unable to resist me. I believed him. I was confused because I was flattered that he found me attractive but, at the same time, I hated the consequences of his finding me attractive. Part of me hated my Uncle for what he was doing to me and the other part of me was desperate for his love and attention. Like most abuse survivors, I turned my feelings of hatred inward and began to despise myself for what was happening to me. Feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing sank in。

后来，他强迫我发生了性关系，我觉得很受伤，很迷惑也很愤怒。但他在精神上对我的控制是那么的强大，我觉得很无力，不知道怎样拒绝他。当时，我不知道这就是性侵犯。每次我试着告诉他不许再这样对我，他都会说，这种事发生了是我的错，因为我勾引了他，让他对我着迷。我当时很恨他觉得我很迷人，因为我渴望的只是一份单纯的父爱，然而，另一方面，我却是那么的绝望的希望他爱我，关注我。也许和很多性侵受害者一样，我将对他的愤恨专向了自己，我开始鄙视我自己。我觉得自己很轻贱，我开始讨厌自己。

My story is not unique in that the abuse from my Uncle quickly escalated and became increasingly violent. I was beaten, punched, strangled and belted. After all, violent sexual abuse is not about straight sexual intercourse. It is about abuse of power.

我的故事对于性侵受害者来讲不是个特例，我叔叔对我的性侵迅速升级，发展成为暴力性侵，我被殴打，挨拳头、挨皮鞭甚至被掐脖子也成了家常便饭。暴利性侵不仅仅是非正常性关系，受害者还要遭受暴力的煎熬。

For me, and for numerous other survivors that I’ve had the joy of meeting and working with, the pain from the violence and sexual abuse was easier to overcome than the mental and emotional agony of being completely overpowered by another person. The memories of those years, when I had so little control over my own life, left me constantly fearful. The bruises and cuts healed on their own but the emotional wounds took much more effort to mend. I’m not saying that the signs of my past aren’t still there. I doubt that I will ever enjoy the company of controlling or overbearing people and having control over my personal space will always be extremely important to me. The difference is that I have learned to love these things about myself. I have learned to give myself the attention and love that I craved as a frightened fourteen-year-old girl.

对我和大多数的暴利性侵受害者而言，身体上的伤痛是很好治愈的，而心理的创伤却很难愈合。过去那些痛苦的记忆常常浮现在眼前，想起以前那些没有自我的痛苦岁月，我会被恐惧包围。我不能说过去对我没有影响，我不能和控制欲极强以及傲慢的不在乎我自我空间的人相处，有了以前的经历，我的自我空间对我来说极其重要。不同的是，我学会了爱惜我自己，我学会用什么样的方式去满足我一直以来苛求的关爱。

I'm grateful to have had gifted counsellors who helped me to conquer the panic attacks that I suffered with for years. Counselling helped me to rediscover a sense of dignity and self respect that I had forgotten that I’d ever had. I learned to take control of my life and I gradually became less reactive to triggers of sexual abuse, triggers that used to leave me breathless, impotent and shaking uncontrollably.

我很幸运遇到了一位很好的心理咨询师，他让我走出了多年的阴霾，重新找回了我忘却已久的自尊。过去的阴影会让我无法呼气，让我感到虚弱无力，浑身颤抖。现在，我学会了自己把握自己的人生，渐渐不再被过去被暴力性侵所带来的伤害而影响情绪。

Fifteen years later, all that remains from the years of abuse that I suffered is an intense desire to help other survivors. Sharing my own story in a book seemed like a good way to reach out to others and a strong final step in my recovery process. So I began writing down my memories in what would become An Angel in the Corner. The book was my way of saying that I am an abuse survivor and I am no longer afraid or ashamed of my past. It was my way of proving to myself that I am free.

那段灰暗的岁月已经过去了15年了，我所受到的伤害让我更加渴望帮助那些和我有同样遭遇的人。将我自己的故事讲给大家听可能是我帮助别人最好的方式，也是我这些年来心理康复最后一步。所以我将自己的遭遇写成了书，希望我的文字能变成天使，保护那些无助的人。这本书也是我的一个宣言，我想说：我是一个暴力性侵的下的幸存者，我不再为我的过去感到耻辱，我自由了。

本译文属未经允许请勿转载