幽默英语小笑话12篇

下面是本站小编整理的幽默英语小笑话，希望大家会喜欢!

　　幽默英语小笑话：The Monkey

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

一男子去酒吧，点了一杯啤酒。他喝了一口放下。当他环视酒吧时，发现一只猴子荡下来，在他阻止之前，偷走了啤酒。该男子问酒吧招待，这只猴子是谁的。服务员回答说是钢琴手的。男子走到钢琴手面前问：“你知道你的猴子偷了我的啤酒吗?”钢琴手回答说：“没有，但是如果你能哼唱，我会为你演奏的。”

　　幽默英语小笑话：绝配

A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.

Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.

Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son."Dad, “says the son, there’s something I’ve got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"

"Son”, the father replies, I painted the vase."

一个富有的主妇很是骄傲因为她收藏了一件非常有价值的古董花瓶，于是她决定把卧室粉刷成与花瓶同样的颜色。许多油漆匠都试图尽力与花瓶的颜色匹配，但是没有任何人能做得 让那古怪的女人满意的。

一个油漆匠很自信他能做到，最终他成功了。那个主妇很满意，于是这个油漆匠也变得很出名。

多年以后，油漆匠要退休了，他把自己的生意交给儿子去经营。“爸爸”儿子问“我还有些事情想知道，你怎么能把墙粉刷得和花瓶的颜色那么相配?”“儿子”爸爸回答到“我只不过是把花瓶刷了。”

　　幽默英语小笑话：I didn't know that I was so far back already

A big battle was going on during the First World were firing， and shells and bullets were flying about r an hour of this， one of the soldiers decidedthat the fighting was getting too dangerous for him， so he leftthe front line and began to go away from the battle. After hehad walked for an hour，he saw an officer coming towardshim. The officer stopped him and said，“ where are you going?” “I'm trying to get as far away as possible from the battlethat's going on behind us， sir，” the soldier answered. “Do you know who I am?” the officer said to him angrily.“I'm your commanding officer.” The soldier was very surprised when he heard this and said，“My God，I didn't know that I was so far back already!”

第一次世界大战期间，一场大战役正在进行。枪炮轰鸣，炮弹和子弹到处乱飞。这样过了一个小时后，一个士兵认定战斗对他来说变得太危险了，所以他离开前线开始逃离战场。步行了一个小时之后，他看见一个军官向他走过来。那军官叫住他说：“你要到哪儿去?” “长官，我正尽可能远地躲开我们身后正在进行的战役，”士兵回答说。 “你知道我是谁吗?”军官生气地对他说：“我是你的指挥官。” 那士兵听到此话感到非常惊讶，说：“天哪，我想不到我已经往回跑了这么远了!”

　　幽默英语小笑话：吝啬鬼的聚会

The Mean Mans Party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

吝啬鬼的聚会

一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢?”

“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧?”

　　幽默英语小笑话：Older Goats in America美国老羊

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do with your older goats in America?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

一群美国人乘长途汽车在荷兰旅游。他们在一个奶酪场停下来。一位年轻的导游带他们参观了奶酪制作的全过程，解释说用的是羊奶。 她指给这群人一个美丽的山坡，山坡上许多羊在吃草。对这些，她解释说，是放逐草地的老羊，它们已不能再产奶。她然后问道：“在美国你们怎样处理老羊呢?”

一位活泼的老绅士回答说：“他们让我们乘车旅行!”

　　幽默英语小笑话：问问你自己的吧

Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at p Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the k declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make sallied forth. “What time is it，Bub?They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met. “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply.

这是华盛顿的一个阴冷天。钱普·克拉克正和一个来访的英国人讨论城市的流浪儿，英国人详细地叙述着伦敦式天才的机智。克拉克宣称，要是对方向华盛顿街上任何一个儿童提任何问题，那孩子都会对答如流。他们便出发了。 “什么时候了，小兄弟?人们说你能用鼻子报时。” 回答是：“先生，问问你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”

　　幽默英语小笑话：Dream 梦想

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the impressed dean.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it.

农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生，“你为何要选择这个职业?”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元，就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元?”主任惊诧地问道。

“没有，”这位申请人回答道，“他总是梦想着赚到这个数目。”

　　幽默英语小笑话：Wedding or Not

Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.

Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!

弗兰克叔叔七十八岁了，富有而健康。他是个终生单身汉。他曾追求过很多女孩，但“从不过热----见好就收”。一天他突发奇想，决定四处走走，去看看他那些接近一打的旧时女友。

他回来即叹道：“嘘!谢天谢地幸亏我没娶那些女人中的任何一个。如今她们都成寡妇了!”

　　幽默英语小笑话：A Boy with a Big Head大头娃娃

A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."

"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."

"Where is the shopping bag?"

"I haven't got one-use your hat."

一个小男孩向他母亲哭诉道：“他们都取笑我，说我脑袋大。” “别听他们的，”他母亲安慰道，“你有一个很漂亮的脑袋。好啦，别哭了，去商店买十斤土豆来。”

“购物袋在哪儿?”

“没购物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”

　　幽默英语小笑话：All Right 没关系

Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. Uh-oh, I said, realizing my mistake. I just make an illegal turn.I guess it's all right, my daughter replied, The police car behind us did the same thing.

我赶着开车将11岁的女儿送到学校去，在红灯处右拐了，而那是不允许的(译注:在一些国家如英国,其交通规则是车辆左行的,与我国相反)。啊噢，意识到犯了错误，我说。我刚才拐弯是违章的。我想那没关系的，女儿回答说：我们后面的警车也同样拐了弯。

　　幽默英语小笑话：第一次开出租车

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

The driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

乘客轻拍了一下出租车司机的肩膀，想问个问题。司机大叫起来，车也失去了控制，几乎撞上一辆公车，还上了便道，在还差几厘米就撞上商店橱窗时终于停了下来。

司机说：“伙计，别再这么干了。你把我吓破胆了!”乘客抱歉地说，“我没想到拍你一下就吓成这样。” 司机说：“对不起，也不全是你的错。今天是我第一天开出租，以前25年里我一直开殡葬车。”

　　幽默英语小笑话：摩西和耶稣

A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".

一个窃贼潜入一户人家。他看到一个喜欢的CD机，他赶紧拿了。就在这个时候他听到有人说：“耶稣正在看着你。”他照着手电看来看去，嘀咕着：“到底是什么人在说话?”这时，他看到桌子上有些钱，他又拿了。。。那声音又来了：“耶稣正在看着你。”他躲到一个角落，想找出是谁在说话。结果看到一只鹦鹉，于是他问鹦鹉：“是你在说话吗?”鹦鹉承认了。 小贼说：“你叫什么名字?”“摩西”。小贼说：“什么人给鸟取这种名字?”鹦鹉回答：“就是那个给他的罗威那犬取名为‘耶稣’的那个人啊。”