诺贝尔文学经典:《宠儿》第10章Part 5

Paul D could not command his feet, but he thought he could still talk and he made up his mind tobreak out that way. He would tell Sethe about the last three weeks: catch her alone coming fromwork at the beer garden she called a restaurant and tell it all. He waited for her. The winterafternoon looked like dusk as he stood in the alley behind Sawyer's Restaurant. Rehearsing,imagining her face and letting the words flock in his head like kids before lining up to follow theleader.
"Well, ah, this is not the, a man can't, see, but aw listen here, it ain't that, it really ain't, Ole Garner,what I mean is, it ain't a weak-ness, the kind of weakness I can fight 'cause 'cause something ishappening to me, that girl is doing it, I know you think I never liked her nohow, but she is doing itto me. Fixing me. Sethe, she's fixed me and I can't break it.
"What? A grown man fixed by a girl? But what if the girl was not a girl, but something in disguise? A lowdown something that looked like a sweet young girl and fucking her or not was not the point,it was not being able to stay or go where he wished in 124, and the danger was in losing Sethebecause he was not man enough to break out, so he needed her, Sethe, to help him, to know aboutit, and it shamed him to have to ask the woman he wanted to protect to help him do it, God damn itto hell.
Paul D blew warm breath into the hollow of his cupped hands. The wind raced down the alley so fast it sleeked the fur of four kitchen dogs waiting for scraps. He looked at the dogs. The dogslooked at him.
Finally the back door opened and Sethe stepped through holding a scrap pan in the crook of herarm. When she saw him, she said Oh, and her smile was both pleasure and surprise.
Paul Dbelieved he smiled back but his face was so cold he wasn't sure.

保罗·D不能指挥他的双脚，可是他认为自己还能说话，于是他下定决心以这种方式爆发。他要跟塞丝谈谈过去的三个星期：当她从她称做餐馆的那家露天啤酒馆下班、单独回家的时候，揪住她，向她和盘托出。他等着她。冬日的午后看上去已像黄昏，他在索亚餐馆后面的巷子里站着。一边想象着她的面容，一边排练，让词句在他脑袋里聚集起来，好像准备排好队、跟着排头走的孩子们一样。
"这个，呃，这事不是，一个男人不能，你瞧，可是噢听着，不是那个，真的不是，老家伙加纳，我的意思是，这不是个弱点，我能战胜的那种弱点，因为、因为我出了点儿事，是那个姑娘干的，我知道你觉得我从来不可能喜欢她，可这是她对我干的。耍我。塞丝，她耍了我，可我甩不掉她。"
什么？一个壮年男子汉让一个小姑娘给耍了？可是如果那姑娘不是个姑娘，而是什么东西假装的呢？是一个貌似甜姑娘的下流坯，而操她还是没操她就不是关键，问题是他不能够在124号里面自由去留，而且危险在于失去塞丝，因为他不能像个十足的男子汉一样爆发，所以他需要她，塞丝，来帮助他，来了解这件事情，而他又耻于去乞求他想保护的女人来帮助他，真他妈的。
保罗·D向自己扣起的双手中呵着热气。风疾速穿过胡同，梳亮了四只等待残羹剩饭的厨房狗的皮毛。他看着狗。狗看着他。
后门终于开了，塞丝用臂弯夹着剩饭锅，迈了出来。她一看见他，马上"哦"了一声，微笑里有喜悦也有惊讶。
保罗·D觉得自己回了一笑，可是他的脸冷得厉害，他自己也拿不准。