经典科幻文学:《生命 宇宙及一切》第19章2

Some very scurrilous and subversive sources hint at the idea that Lig actually perished in the Guide’s first extraordinary experiments in alternative book-keeping. Very little is known of this, and less still said. Anyone who even notices, let alone calls attention to, the curious but utter coincidental and meaningless fact that every world on which the Guide has ever set up an accounting department has shortly afterwards perished in warfare or some natural disaster, is liable to get sued to smithereens.
It is an interesting though utterly unrelated fact that the two or three days prior to the demolition of the planet Earth to make way for a new hyperspace bypass saw a dramatic upsurge in the number of UFO sightings there, not only above Lords Cricket Ground in St. John’s Wood, London, but also above Glastonbury in Somerset.
Glastonbury had long been associated with myths of ancient kings, witchcraft, ley-lines an wart curing, and had now been selected as the site for the new Hitch Hiker’s Guide financial records office, and indeed, ten years’ worth of financial records were transferred to a magic hill just outside the city mere hours before the Vogons arrived.
None of these facts, however strange or inexplicable, is as strange or inexplicable as the rules of the game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket, as played in the higher dimensions. A full set of rules is so massively complicated that the only time they were all bound together in a single volume, they underwent gravitational collapse and became a Black Hole.
A brief summary, however, is as follows:
Rule One: Grow at least three extra legs. You won’t need them, but it keeps the crowds amused.
Rule Two: Find one good Brockian Ultra-Cricket player. Clone him off a few times. This saves an enormous amount of tedious selection and training.
Rule Three: Put your team and the opposing team in a large field and build a high wall round them.
The reason for this is that, though the game is a major spectator sport, the frustration experienced by the audience at not actually being able to see what’s going on leads them to imagine that it’s a lot more exciting than it really is. A crowd that has just watched a rather humdrum game experiences far less life affirmation than a crowd that believes it has just missed the most dramatic event in sporting history.
Rule Four: Throw lots of assorted items of sporting equipment over the wall for the players. Anything will do cricket bats, basecube bats, tennis guns, skis, anything you can get a good swing with.
Rule Five: The players should now lay about themselves for all they are worth with whatever they find to hand. Whenever a player scores a “hit” on another player, he should immediately run away and apologize from a safe distance.
Apologies should be concise, sincere and, for maximum clarity and points, delivered through a megaphone.
Rule Six: The winning team shall be the first team that wins.
Curiously enough, the more the obsession with the game grows in the higher dimensions, the less it is actually played, since most of the competing teams are now in a state of permanent warfare with each other over the interpretation of these rules. This is all for the best, because in the long run a good solid war is less psychologically damaging than a protracted game of Brockian Ultra-Cricket.

一些用心险恶的反动言论暗示，里格其实已经死亡，死于《指南》第一次多重记帐实验。人们对此事知之甚少——有人说，比大家想的还要少。每一个建有《指南》财务部的星球，都在不久后毁于战争或自然灾害，这是一种奇怪而无聊的巧合。不仅如此，那些注意到——更别说关心到——这一事实的人，都将遭遇人间蒸发。
同样有趣、也同样无关紧要的一件事是：在地球这颗行星上，就在因修建超空间通道而被毁灭的前两天，那里的人们目击了大量的UFO。不只是伦敦圣琼斯森林罗德板球场的上空，萨默塞特郡①的格拉斯顿伯里②上空也有。
自古以来，格拉斯顿伯里总让人联想起许多神话，关于古代国王、巫术、会治疗疣子的魔法师们在小径上集会等等。如今，它又被选作《指南》最新的财务部所在地。经过十年之久，那些财务记录终于被转移到城外一座魔法小山上，几小时后，沃贡人就来了。
上述事件固然怪得不可思议，但比起高维度世界的坏小子极端板球来，还是略逊一筹。这个游戏的完整版规则实在太复杂了。它们完全收录在册只有唯一的一次，那个册子当时就发生了重力坍缩，变成了黑洞。
精简版规则如下：
规则一：至少要多长三条腿。你用不着它们，但这能让大家发笑。
规则二：找一位优秀的坏小子极端板球运动员，把他克隆几遍。这能省下大量臻选和训练的工夫。
规则三：把你的队伍和敌方队伍放到一块空地上，在周围筑起高高的墙。
原因是这样的：虽说这种运动颇具观赏性，但是，如果观众没能看见比赛过程，他们便会将其想象得非常精彩，比实际情况还要精彩。与其让人们观看一场无聊的比赛，远不如让他们相信、自己错过了运动史上最精彩的瞬间。
规则四：把各种合适的运动器材从墙外丢给运动员，什么都行——板球拍，基本立方球棍，网球炮，滑雪板，总之就是适合挥动的东西。
规则五：运动员现在可以拿着到手的东西，尽可能地乱窜、乱打，一旦有谁击中了（另一位运动员），就应立刻跑开，在安全的距离之外道歉。
道歉应当简明、真诚、最大限度地清晰扼要。
规则六：首先获胜的队伍获胜。
有趣的是，高维度生命对这种运动的热情越高涨，这种运动就越是难以真正进行——大部分参赛队伍，因为规则阐释的问题，正处于交战状态。这算是好的了。因为与一场旷日持久的坏小子极端板球比赛相比，一次坚苦卓绝的战争给人带来的精神创伤，毕竟小得多。