经典科幻文学:《宇宙尽头的餐馆》第32章4

Number Two turned to face the crowd. He raised his gun above his head. This is going to be great, thought the crowd.
“We have declared war on it!”
Wild abandoned cheering broke out in all corners of the clearing – this was beyond all expectation.
“Wait a minute,” shouted Ford Prefect, “wait a minute!”
He leapt to his feet and demanded silence. After a while he got it, or at least the best silence he could hope for under the circumstances: the circumstances were that the bagpiper was spontaneously composing a national anthem.
“Do we have to have the piper?” demanded Ford.
“Oh yes,” said the Captain, “we’ve given him a grant.”
Ford considered opening this idea up for debate but quickly decided that that way madness lay. Instead he slung a well judged rock at the piper and turned to face Number Two.
“War?” he said.
“Yes!” Number Two gazed contemptuously at Ford Prefect.
“On the next continent?”
“Yes! Total warfare! The war to end all wars!”
“But there’s no one even living there yet!”
Ah, interesting, thought the crowd, nice point. Number Two’s gaze hovered undisturbed. In this respect his eyes were like a couple of mosquitos that hover purposefully three inches from your nose and refuse to be deflected by arm thrashes, fly swats or rolled newspapers.
“I know that,” he said, “but there will be one day! So we have left an open-ended ultimatum.”
“What?”
“And blown up a few military installations.”
The Captain leaned forward out of his bath.
“Military installations Number Two?” he said.
For a moment the eyes wavered.
“Yes sir, well potential military installations. Alright… trees.”
The moment of uncertainty passed – his eyes flickered like whips over his audience.
“And,” he roared, “we interrogated a gazelle!”
He flipped his Kill-O-Zap gun smartly under his arm and marched off through the pandemonium that had now erupted throughout the ecstatic crowd. A few steps was all he managed before he was caught up and carried shoulder high for a lap of honour round the clearing.
Ford sat and idly tapped a couple of stones together.
“So what else have you done?” he inquired after the celebrations had died down.
“We have started a culture,” said the marketing girl.
“Oh yes?” said Ford.

二号转过身来面对着人群，他把枪举过头顶，更加美妙的好戏即将开场，人们想。
“我们已经向他们宣战了！”
狂热的欢呼声从空地的各个角落爆发出来——这种娱乐超过了所有人的预期。
“等一等，”福特长官叫道，“等一等！”
他跳起来，要求大家安静，过了会儿，他得到了安静，或者至少是在这样的环境下他所能期望的最安静状态：这样的环境是指邶个风筲手正在演舞一首固歌：
“我们一定得要这个风笛手吗？”搞特问：
“哦，是的，”舰长说，“我们已经批准他演奏了。”
福特原本想展开这个话题，争论一番，但是他马上意识到这样做太疯狂了。于是他选择了一颗大小适中的石子，朝风笛手掷过去，这才转过身来面对二号。
“战争！”他说。
“是的！”2号轻蔑地瞧着福特长官，
“在邻近的大陆上？”
“是的！全面冲突！一场将终结所有战争的战争！”
“可是那里还没有人居住啊！”
噢，有意思，人们想，这个观点不错。二号的目光镇定地四下盘旋着。就是说，他的眼睛像两只蚊子，不怀好意地盘旋在距离你的鼻子三英寸的地方，无论你是用手它们就是不离开。
“这我知道，”他说，“不过总有一天，那上面会有人！所以我们留下了一份没有截止日期的最后通牒。”
“什么？”
“并且炸掉了一些军事设施。”
舰长从他的浴盆里探出身来。
“军事设施，二号。”他问。
有那么片刻，这双眼睛动摇了。
“是的，长官，潜在的军事设施。好吧其实就是树。”
短暂的游移不定过去了——他的眼睛又像鞭子一样扫过他的听众。
“并且，”他吼道，“我们审讯了一只瞪羚！”
他花口自地将蒸发轰击枪翻转到腋下，然后正步穿过喧哗的人群。欣喜若狂的人群中到处爆发出这种喧哗。他只走了几步，就被从后面赶上来的人们举了起来，绕着空地光荣地巡游了一圈。
福特坐在地上，懒散地拍打着两块石头。
“体们还做了些什么？”庆祝活动平息下来之后，他问道。
“我们开创了文化事业。”那个市场部女孩说。
“喔，是吗？”福特说。