经典科幻文学:《宇宙尽头的餐馆》第21章4

“Didn’t you tell them who we were?”
“Oh yeah. They said it was a great honour. That and something about a restaurant bill and my executors.”
Ford pushed Arthur aside and leaned forward over the control console.
“Does none of this function?” he said savagely.
“All overridden.”
“Smash the autopilot.”
“Find it first. Nothing connects.”
There was a moment’s cold silence.
Arthur was stumbling round the back of the cabin. He stopped suddenly.
“Incidentally,” he said, “what does teleport mean?”
Another moment passed.
Slowly, the others turned to face him.
“Probably the wrong moment to ask,” said Arthur, “It’s just I remember hearing you use the word a short while ago and I only bring it up because…”
“Where,” said Ford Prefect quietly, “does it say teleport?”
“Well, just over here in fact,” said Arthur, pointing at a dark control box in the rear of the cabin, “Just under the word ‘emergency’, above the word ‘system’ and beside the sign saying ‘out of order’.”
In the pandemonium that instantly followed, the only action to follow was that of Ford Prefect lunging across the cabin to the small black box that Arthur had indicated and stabbing repeatedly at the single small black button set into it.
A six-foot square panel slid open beside it revealing a compartment which resembled a multiple shower unit that had found a new function in life as an electrician’s junk store. Half-finished wiring hung from the ceiling, a jumble of abandoned components lay strewn on the floor, and the programming panel lolled out of the cavity in the wall into which it should have been secured.
A junior Disaster Area accountant, visiting the shipyard where this ship was being constructed, had demanded to know of the works foreman why the hell they were fitting an extremely expensive teleport into a ship which only had one important journey to make, and that unmanned. The foreman had explained that the teleport was available at a ten per cent discount and the accountant had explained that this was immaterial; the foreman had explained that it was the finest, most powerful and sophisticated teleport that money could buy and the accountant had explained that the money did not wish to buy it; the foreman had explained that people would still need to enter and leave the ship and the accountant had explained that the ship sported a perfectly serviceable door; the foreman had explained that the accountant could go and boil his head and the accountant had explained to the foreman that the thing approaching him rapidly from his left was a knuckle sandwich. After the explanations had been concluded, work was discontinued on the teleport which subsequently passed unnoticed on the invoice as “Sund. explns.” at five times the price.
“Hell’s donkeys,” muttered Zaphod as he and Ford attempted to sort through the tangle of wiring.

“你告诉他们，你是谁了吗？”
“哦，当然。他们说他们感到非常荣幸，就这些，和一点儿关于一张餐馆账单的事，还有就是我的遗嘱执行人。”
福特粗鲁地把阿瑟推到一边，身体前倾到了控制台上方。
“没什么能用的控制键吗？”他粗声说，
“所有控制键统统无效。”
“把自动驾驶仪砸烂，”
“那你得先找到它，线缆相连的东西一个都没有。”
一阵冰冷的沉默。
阿瑟在船舱后部徘徊着，突然间停了下来。
“顺便提一句，”他说，“远距传物是什么意思？”
又一阵沉默过去了。
慢慢地，所有人都把脸转向他。
“也许问的不是时候，”阿瑟说，“我只不过记得不久以前听你们用过这个词，我现在提起来只是因为……”
“在哪里，”福特长官镇静地说，“写着远距传物？”
“喏，就在这边。”阿瑟指着船舱后部的一个黑色控制箱说，“就在‘紧急’的下面，‘系统’的上面，‘故障’的旁边：”
紧接着的一片喧闹中，惟一的行动是，福特长官跨过船舱，来到阿瑟刚才指的那个黑色小箱子旁边，反复戳着上面惟一的一个黑色小按钮。
一块六英尺见方的面板在它旁边滑开来，露出一个隔间。隔间的模样就像一套组合淋浴设备获得了新功能，成了一个电工的杂货铺；完成_了一半的布线从天花板上吊下来，一堆被抛弃的元件杂乱无章地扔在地板上，程序操作面板从墙上的窟窿里垂下来，而它本来是应该在里面以樽到保护的。
一个“灾难地带”的初级会计师在参观建造这艘飞船的船坞时，曾经要求工头向他解释，为什么在这样一艘只会有一趟重要航程需要完成，而且是尤人驾驶的飞船上，还要安装一套相当昂贵的远距传物装置。工头解释说，这套装置可以有百分之十的折扣，会计师认为这并非实质性的原因：工头解释说，这是能够用钱买到的装置中最好、功能最强、最智能化的，会计师则认为钱根本就不乐意买它；工头解释说，人们可能还是需要进入和离开这艘飞船，会计师则认为飞船已经有了一扇相当完善的门；工头解释说，这个会计师应该去清醒一下脑子，会计师则向工头解释说，目前正从对方左侧迅速向他接近的东西是对准嘴巴的一记拳头。这场争论结束之后，安装远距传物装置的工作也就中止了，但后来却在开发票时填上了五倍的价钱。
“该死的蠢货。”赞福德咕哝道，他和福特试图清理缠在一起的线路，