经典科幻文学:《生命 宇宙及一切》第11章5

It is?
Mmmm.
You didn’t just go “mmmm” twice?
Mmmm mmmm.
Hmmmm.
He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down it, which was true.
He was within two yards of the door to the bridge when he suddenly realized to his horror that it was going to be nice to him, and he stopped dead. He hadn’t been able to turn off the doors’ courtesy voice circuits.
This doorway to the bridge was concealed from view within it because of the excitingly chunky way in which the bridge had been designed to curve round, and he had been hoping to enter unobserved.
He leant despondently back against the wall again and said some words which his other head was quite shocked to hear.
He peered at the dim pink outline of the door, and discovered that in the darkness of the corridor he could just about make out the Sensor Field which extended out into the corridor and told the door when there was someone there for whom it must open and to whom it must make a cheery and pleasant remark.
He pressed himself hard back against the wall and edged himself towards the door, flattening his chest as much as he possibly could to avoid brushing against the very, very dim perimeter of the field. He held his breath, and congratulated himself on having lain in bed sulking for the last few days rather than trying to work out his feelings on chest expanders in the ship’s gym.
He then realized he was going to have to speak at this point. He took a series of very shallow breaths, and then said as quickly and as quietly as he could:
Door, if you can hear me, say so very, very quietly.
Very, very quietly, the door murmured:
I can hear you.
Good. Now, in a moment, I’m going to ask you to open. When you open I do not want you to say that you enjoyed it, OK?
OK.
And I don’t want you to say to me that I have made a simple door very happy, or that it is your pleasure to open for me and your satisfaction to close again with the knowledge of a job well done, OK?
OK.
And I do not want you to ask me to have a nice day, understand?
I understand.

“是吗？”
“嗯。”
“你刚才说了两声嗯？”
“嗯嗯。”
“哦。”
他一点一点朝那头挪动，实际上他更想大步大步朝反方向跑掉。
离控制台的门只有一两米了。突然，他想起一件关于门的可怕的事，顿时脸都僵了——他没法把门的问候设置关掉。
控制台入口现在还看不见，因为控制台被设计成一种胖胖的弧线形状。刚才他还幻想自己能神不知鬼不觉地溜进去。
他沮丧地靠回墙壁，骂了几句粗话，连他的另一个头听了也觉得惊讶。
他眯着眼睛，盯着那扇门的粉色轮廓，努力推断出感应器的感应范围——那块范围投射在黑暗的走廊上，门可以通过它来判断何时打开、说点什么愉快的问候语。
他紧紧贴在墙上，沿着墙根朝门移动，尽全力吸着自己的胸膛，以免碰到那界限不明的感应范围。他屏着气，暗自庆幸过去几天自己是躺在床上生闷气，而不是到飞船健身房去练胸肌发泄情绪。
他觉得现在可以说话了。他微弱地喘了几下，然后迅速而轻声地说：
“门，如果你听的见，就很轻很轻地回答我。”
门很轻很轻地喃喃道：
“我听得见。”
“好，现在，马上，我会叫你开门。你开的时候，不许说你很高兴，OK？”
“OK。”
“也不许说我让一扇小小的门感到非常开心，或者说为我打开是你的荣幸，为我关上之后结束一切工作，也令你心满意足，OK？”
“OK。”
“也不许说祝我愉快，懂吗？”
“懂了。”