经典科幻文学:《宇宙尽头的餐馆》第6章1

Chapter 6
“Hello? Yes? Megadodo Publications, home of The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the most totally remarkable book in the whole of the known Universe, can I help you?” said the large pink-winged insect into one of the seventy phones lined up along the vast chrome expanse of the reception desk in the foyer of The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy offices. It fluttered its wings and rolled its eyes. It glared at all the grubby people cluttering up the foyer, soiling the carpets and leaving dirty handmarks on the upholstery. It adored working for The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, it just wished there was some way of keeping all the hitch-hikers away. Weren’t they meant to be hanging round dirty spaceports or something? It was certain that it had read something somewhere in the book about the importance of hanging round dirty spaceports. Unfortunately most of them seemed to come and hang around in this nice clean shiny foyer after hanging around in extremely dirty spaceports. And all they ever did wascomplain. It shivered its wings.
“What?” it said into the phone. “Yes, I passed on your message to Mr. Zarniwoop, but I’m afraid he’s too cool to see you right now. He’s on an intergalactic cruise.”
It waved a petulant tentacle at one of the grubby people who was angrily trying to engage its attention. The petulant tentacle directed the angry person to look at the notice on the wall to its left and not to interrupt an important phone call.
“Yes,” said the insect, “he is in his office, but he’s on an intergalactic cruise. Thank you so much for calling.” It slammed down the phone.
“Read the notice,” it said to the angry man who was trying to complain about one of the more ludicrous and dangerous pieces of misinformation contained in the book.
The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is an indispensable companion to all those who are keen to make sense of life in an infinitely complex and confusing Universe, for though it cannot hope to be useful or informative on all matters, it does at least make the reassuring claim, that where it is inaccurate it is at least definitely inaccurate. In cases of major discrepancy it’s always reality that’s got it wrong.
This was the gist of the notice. It said “The Guide is definitive. Reality is frequently inaccurate.”
This has led to some interesting consequences. For instance, when the Editors of the Guide were sued by the families of those who had died as a result of taking the entry on the planet Traal literally (it said “Ravenous Bugblatter beasts often make a very good meal for visiting tourists” instead of “Ravenous Bugblatter beasts often make a very good meal of visiting tourists”) they claimed that the first version of the sentence was the more aesthetically pleasing, summoned a qualified poet to testify under oath that beauty was truth, truth beauty and hoped thereby to prove that the guilty party was Life itself for failing to be either beautiful or true. The judges concurred, and in a moving speech held that Life itself was in contempt of court, and duly confiscated it from all those there present before going off to enjoy a pleasant evening’s ultragolf.
Zaphod Beeblebrox entered the foyer. He strode up to the insect receptionist.
“OK,” he said, “Where’s Zarniwoop? Get me Zarniwoop.”

第六章
“喂？你好？这里是美卡嘟嘟出版，《银河系漫游指南》的家，它是整个已知宇宙中最非凡的一本书。我能为你效劳吗？”有着粉红色巨大翅膀的虫子对七十部电话中的一部说道。这些电话在《银河系漫游指南》办公楼大厅里巨大的铬合金接待桌上一字排开。虫子扑腾着翅膀，眼珠子转个不停，望着这么多邋遢的人乱七八糟地在大厅里挤做一团，糟蹋着地毯，在漂亮的室内装璜上留下肮脏的手印。它喜欢为《银河系漫游指南》工作，只是希望有什么法子能把所有这些漫游者全部拒之门外。难道他们就不能老老实实地待在肮脏的太空港或者别的什么地方附近吗？它确信自己曾经在这本书里的某个地方读到过某些东西，讲的就是关于待在肮脏的太空港附近的重要性。不幸的是，他们中的大多数看起来更习惯于在异常肮脏的太空港附近待过之后，立刻跑来待在这个舒适、干净、光洁的大厅里。并且，他们在这里所做的一切就是抱怨。虫子的翅膀哆嗦了一下。
“什么？”它对着电话说，“是的，我已经把你的留言转给扎尼乌普先生了，但恐怕他现在不能见你。他正在进行一次星系际巡航。”
它不耐烦地朝一个邋遢鬼舞动了一下触角，此人正气急败坏地想引起它的注意。触角示意这个愤怒的家伙自己去看墙上贴的通告，别在这儿干扰人家的重要电话。
“是的，”虫子说，“他在他的办公室，但他目前正在进行一次星系际巡航。非常感谢你致电我们。”说完，它砰地放下电话。
“读读这份通告。”它对那个怒气冲冲的人说，后者原来打算投诉书里所收录的一条滑稽可笑并且十分危险的错误信息。
对所有那些渴望在一个无限复杂和混乱的宇宙中探明生命意义的人来说，《银河系漫游指南》是一位不可或缺的伙伴。因为，虽然它不可能在所有问题上都能提供有用的信息，至少提供某种信息，但它至少做出了可靠宣称，即，一旦在哪个问题上它是不准确的，那么，在那个问题上，它至少是“最权威地”不准确。在出现重大分歧的情况下，最终只可能是现实本身出了错。
这就是这份通告的要旨。它的意思是说，“《指南》才是最权威的，而现实往往是不准确的。”
这就导致了一些有趣的结果。比方说，有些人试图进入特拉尔行星，并因此送了性命，《指南》的编辑遭到了死者家属的控告——那些人都是照着书上的内容去做的。书上写到，“贪婪的特拉尔怪兽经常会为到访者做一顿非常可口的饭菜”，而实际上应该是，“贪婪的特拉尔怪兽经常会拿到访者做一顿非常可口的饭菜”。这时，编辑们便会宣称，前一个句子更具有美学上的愉悦感。他们还会召来一位具备资格的诗人，让他宣誓作证：美就是真理，真理就是美，希望以此证明，在这个案例中，有罪的一方是生活本身，因为它没有达到美或者真理的水准。法官们一致同意这一点，在接下来的宣判中判定生活本身藐视法庭，理应受到如下惩罚：将离开这里、享受一场愉快的傍晚超高尔夫球的生活从在座所有人身上没收充公。
赞福德·毕博布鲁克斯走进大厅，径直朝那个昆虫接待员走过去。
“好吧，”他说，“扎尼乌普在哪儿？给我找扎尼乌普。”